Dreams and homes and sleeplessness and the future

Sunday night, we watched Vanilla Sky for the first time since it came out in 2001. I don’t remember it being  so insanely confusing before, though maybe I just didn’t catch any of those intricacies so it just wasn’t confusing. Anyway, it really made Ash think so we were in bed that night, talking, and it came up that I lie awake many nights just thinking about things. Usually things that stress me out, but I always find a way to get back to sleep. One of the tricks I have is thinking about my dream home. Truthfully, not even a dream home – just a new home that hits even 5/10 things I’d love to have. These include: a laundry room, larger living areas, larger driveway, to be situated on a street with little traffic, and a grassy back yard. When Ash found this out, he really broke down. He was all, “If this really makes you happy, we’ll get you a house. I didn’t realize it meant so much to you.”

Two things about this statement: for one, I feel like it doesn’t mean THAT much because I know we have it good with our super low mortgage for the starter home. I want it but that doesn’t mean I get it, you know? The other thing about this is that we HAVE been thinking about moving for years but it has always come down to some of the disagreements he and I have: he won’t settle for a smaller yard, I won’t settle for a house that is out a very trafficky road, etc. But now we think we might be able to meet in the middle.

So we started talking about what we can actually afford, which is much more than we thought but for years, we’ve been allowing our low housing cost as a reason to do other things. It was a smart move we made early on, before kids. We’ve been able to get other things and do other things like vacation. With Isaac soon to be in kindergarten, we can draft up a reasonable plan for what we can afford. I’ve been scouring zillow and it’s always the same homes I end up looking at. They sit there, taunting me with their brick facades and cute porches and perfectly fenced in yards. Sure, some of them hit all but one thing and it’s a deal breaker. I found one I loved but it didn’t have a garage. Sigh. But it doesn’t matter now because we aren’t moving NOW. But it does give me something to check each day.

The truth of the matter is that we have to wait until we know it is feasible. We also want to rent out our current home so we need to find a management company and do that whole thing. I am nervous and excited and hopeful. Our current home has been a good one but we need larger living areas. With the kids getting older, it’s absolutely necessary. So in the meantime, as we near the time when we’ll enact a plan, I will think about my dream home in the wee small hours of the morning.

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