As a baby is made


My stomach was doing this weird gurlgy things yesterday, ever since I woke up. I forced down some Tums but the chalky consistency sort of made me want to hurl. Normally I can stomach those, knowing they’re going to help. Luckily, I am coming out of my first trimester; I was 12 weeks yesterday. I love the second trimester! I know that sounds rather odd but I find myself having more energy and desire to get things done. I’m going to need it too; I am overwhelmed by work. There’s just an enormous amount of grading to do and it’s unrelenting. Week after week it’s always there. I know I chose this, but still. I don’t know of a lot of other jobs where there’s always something like that. Students are always turning things in late and it’s there, for me, always waiting to be returned. This doesn’t even count all the email questions and misunderstandings on their part. Those are always present as well.

I keep being not pregnant for just long enough that I’d forgotten all the weird things about it. Some days I am just not myself and I want nothing more than to hide. My mind feels blank; I’m neither involved or creative or even aware. It’s an odd sort of nothingness and I wish I could explain it better than that.

I want to lay in the sun on a blanket by the ocean and just be. I’m tired of cold and work and noise. My brain hurts. Creating a life is so much damn work, I tell you. Being a vessel to this blossoming thing that has so many ridiculously small functions going on is exceptionally draining. I’m not exceedingly tired like I was in weeks past but yet, if I get in bed at 8:30, I will fall asleep. I think it’s boredom but I don’t FEEL tired at that moment.

Then, the next day, I’ll be back to “normal”; aware, motivated, useful. I had a ton of emails to send that I was putting off; DONE. I am about to grade a bunch of papers and mark that off my list. It’s so nice to feel this way. In 40 minutes I go facilitate a workshop for my face to face class. Then I’m free for the rest of the day to get my other job obligations done. It’s a never-ending cycle.

When I get home, I hang up my teacher/admin hat and put on the mommy one. I have to go to the store for some essentials and make dinner. Then it’s homework and baths and try to squeeze in Jeopardy and maybe actually read a little. I’m almost to the end of The Hobbit and dammit, I am going to finish that book this week if it kills me.

I keep dreaming of some kind of getaway but I know it’s a long time off. I have to just buckle down and keep plugging away and all those other cliches about hard work. Some day, I know it will pay off.

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