There are so many things I want. And my good old Catholic guilt makes me feel like an ass for admitting it. Some of the things I want are easier to obtain than others. With just the right person perusing online adjunct applications, I could be chosen to teach one extra section and have just enough money to alleviate some of my stress. Finding a full time job that would make up for all my monetary failings is a little harder to come by.

I want to be able to say, “I feel like buying a couple shirts, I’m going to the mall.” And have this be alright and justifiable. But you know what? If the money is not there, it’s just not there. I can’t just run up to Macy’s. And the weird thing to me is that I used… before kids. I don’t, for one second, regret that decision. No, my life is a lot more than a cute top from the Juniors’ section with these two little boys owning everything. I mean, they take up so much of my time and well, all my extra money. Life is fuller, happier, and worth living because they’re my kids and we’re a family. This is fact. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t days when I bemoan the fact that there’s just so little left for me.

I found a couple more online positions lately and I even put in an app to TCC. If this place won’t give me that extra section, then I’ll drive over there two days a week, if they’ll let me. It’ll suck, sure. I’ll have to leave my office and drive a few miles west to that campus. On those nights, Ash will need to handle dinner time for the boys. In fact, it will be good for him. He’s not good at taking on new things unless he has absolutely no choice. I’ll be overwhelmed but I know that it won’t always be this way. I am so ready to take on the extra work if it means that I won’t wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about how I’m going to afford something.

Since I have applied to SO many online positions, I keep thinking each time I get a new email that it could be my chance. I don’t know if it’s wishful thinking or if I really have a hunch. My instincts tell me something is going to happen soon. Every email I got this morning that got my hopes up was trash. Pier 1 coupons, something from Seminole Boosters, asking for my money. I know it’ll come when I’m not expecting it, when I’m not keeping an ear out for my email service’s tell-tale ring of incoming mail, anticipating. I just want it so badly!  And I am willing to work hard to support my family, no matter what it takes.

If only the employers were reading this post!

Ok, sorry if my job related rambling bothered you. I had to flesh that out for myself. Now I am off to class. Sigh. My heart isn’t in it today but I’ll push through.

4 thoughts on “/Whine

  1. I feel like this is what I’m going through with some things I’m trying to sell on Craigslist…every e-mail I get I hope it’s someone wanting to buy something, but then it’s just junk. Of course selling things on Craigslist isn’t nearly as stress invoking as finding a job, but I understand your disappointment, haha

    I’m trying to get myself out of the, “I’ll pay for it later” mentality and really working to crunch my budget – it’s hard. But I know if I ever want to have a family I need to be able to handle myself before I can be expected to take care of others.

    Not sure I”m a fan of this whole “adult” thing…

  2. I hate to ask this, but doesn’t Ash pay for the kid’s stuff, too?

    I hope you find an extra course to teach, but maybe this is a good time to reexamine the financial situation between the two of you.

  3. I feel ya on the money thing. Since I lost $850 in child support when my eldest graduated my budget has been kicking my butt. There’s just no money for anything that isn’t absolutely essential.

    Good luck with the job hunting. I’m sending lots of positive job-finding vibes your way!

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