Any of the postpartum emotional craziness has passed now. Really. I don’t feel the urge to break into inconsolable sobs every time the sun goes down or when Elly cries for more than 5 seconds. I don’t change a diaper and feel overwhelmed. I don’t have feelings of hurting my baby.
What I do have is the same issue that I’ve had for a while now: there so many people that I have gotten to know in all different capacities but I call no one a best friend, or even a close friend. I don’t have someone I can call up and invite to lunch or coffee. I try, and sometimes it works. I went to the dog park right before school started with a girl I know who recently came back to FSU. I’ve stopped by my summer job to see the people I had become so close to in only 3 months time. I used to have coffee with the former front desk girl but even she has sort of disappeared into oblivion.
My problem, I think, is that with most people, I fear the next step. I fear actually asking them to do something. Perhaps it is fear of rejection. I had some roommates early in college whom I thought were my good, close friends. I mean, we shared a lot of moments. But when it came right down to it, they were selfish and backstabbing, and malicious. We ended up drifting apart on account of my then-boyfriend, now-husband. And I think that’s really sad because despite all their flaws, I still would have stayed friends with them. Because – and not to toot my own horn – I’m a very loyal person. Heck, my loyalty is why I always end up staying in low-paying jobs where I love the people.
With these breastfeeding support groups, I am out there, actively seeking out friendships. I am talking to new people and trying to be as open to possibility. It seems like I’m getting better but there are still reservations and I don’t know why. How does one solve this problem? I guess it takes time and effort… time and effort…