When Sessions was nearing the end, Ash and I had a heart to heart about the struggles of the hectic times I was working. He really did not do well with me gone so much and I know I too was a different person, trying to do all the things, all the time. When it ended, I told him I’d begin looking elsewhere because I didn’t think it was working out for the family. This upset me at the time but I knew it was probably for the best.
I began looking here and there, applying to other online teaching jobs just in case. He had a good point: the time would be justified if I was paid enough but the pay isn’t that great. It’s fine, don’t get me wrong; just not enough – obviously – since I have kept my online teaching too.
So anyway, I had my meeting with managers on Tuesday and essentially, they don’t think I am a good fit and encouraged me to find other employment. Essentially, I can stay here until I find something else; they don’t want me to have a gap in employment. I was shocked but perhaps not entirely? I already wanted out; the part about not meeting standards shocked me a little. I mean, I thought I was getting the gist of it but by how they explained it, there is clearly a higher level that I am simply not grasping. And I don’t know; maybe I saw the extent of my intelligence. Maybe I’m getting dumber the older I get. This was certainly a thought I had but again, maybe this is simply not the job for me.
I left work right after that and went home to mull things over. I was a little numb and just trying not to panic. It’s not like I’m fired; I’m just on the clock to find something else. And perhaps worst of all: I feel embarrassed. This is just not the job for me. But who knows? Maybe I had to work here to get whatever job I end up in next. I certainly experienced a lot. And I am trying to be as positive as I can and look at those angles.
That evening, Ash and I had waited to eat all day because we had a meeting. We went to our typical Tuesday place, El Jalisco, and I got an amazing bowl of goodness. Then we met at Amicus Brewing to have our EC meeting and discuss a collaboration with them later this year. It was nice to do normal things, because my mind kept racing with thoughts of my failures as an employee.
It’s funny; after last Session, one of our drafters, who I spoke to a lot during that time because she was the newest one (though had worked here before) and was feeling very dejected and unsure of herself. She had her boss meeting and about three weeks later, quit. Now, I kind of wonder if they did the same thing to her. I don’t want to give the wrong impression of my employers; they really are doing this the right way by letting me stick around for now. And maybe she did that too. I remember thinking how she wasn’t strong enough to tough it out but hey, what do I know?
Today, I am feeling a lot better, or at least, stronger. Trying to keep my chin up. Yesterday really helped; it was my birthday after all. I took the entire day off (not without a quick drive in the rain to my office to get my laptop, that I stupidly left Tuesday afternoon) and tried to do things for me. I took two of my kids to school and I got in the sauna. Took a shower and went to Target. I never drink Starbucks anymore but I got my free birthday latte, picked up the rest of the kids’ Easter basket stuff, and then headed home for just a few minutes before going back out. Our friend Brian shares the same birthday and our plan was to meet at a taco place for lunch and then he, Ash, and I were all planning to be off the rest of the day.
It was nice; there were eight of us there, other folks from their work. The tacos were decent but the place had great guac. In the afternoon, Ash and I drank beer and watched a bad Jack Black movie named Envy. But it was nice. I went to Fresh Market and got sushi and a piece of cheesecake. All in all, a very good day, considering the circumstances and it rained aaall day. I think I needed that entire day, though, to gather my thoughts and then, move forward.
It’s cool this morning and they finally did close off the closer entrance to the building, so my walk from car to office is a lot longer. I guess that’s good for me too. I am looking at various job boards and grading papers from my online classes. Oh, and speaking of: Tuesday, I was too nervous to check SNHU email, in case I once again did not receive an assignment. So I waited until after my meeting, just in case. Thankfully, I DID get one and it begins in May. So at least that crisis was averted! Having that in my back pocket goes a long way in calming my nerves about having to find a new job! At leas there’s that…
Perhaps the hardest thing to reconcile is having to come to work. Ha! I know that sounds silly. But I have this strong pull to just…stay home. I do wish I could find another work from home job; certainly if it paid enough I would. One thing that sort of makes me feel better, even though it maybe should not, is that I know I am SO not the only person to go through something like this. And I trust that all will work out. I just have to be diligent about finding something else and just hang in there! It will take a lot of compartmentalizing: keep focusing on my online work I do have for now, apply for jobs, and really sink myself into happy things, like my home life. Later tonight, Dakota has girl scouts and after we take, her the boys and I are going to dinner. I am really looking forward to spending that time with them.
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I hate when things like this happen. It sounds like you have a great attitude. You can do this . . .whatever this might be! It is kind of your employer to allow you to stay while you look for another job.
Thanks for the encouraging words!
A curve ball, yes. Also an opportunity. There is something for which you ARE a good fit, around the corner!
I understand the feeling of embarrassment, but really there’s no shame here. And it’s great that they’re letting you stay until you find your next job. Big change, though. Relief?
Thanks! And yes, it’s a huge relief I’m not just FIRED. They’re nice people and have a lot of time before they need to have the new editor in place anyway. I know their kindness won’t extend forever but for now, it really helps.
This time in your life with small children is probably the most demanding, and hardly anyone can do everything well when you’re spread so thin. And two jobs is probably too much. Teaching is demanding because you put in way more time than you are compensated for. So if you can get by on less money, first look at that. Because you don’t get that time back with your kids. First see if you can cut back there. If not, you may need to find just one job that pays a bit better. But if at all possible, keep your teaching and nothing else. With some creativity, you may find you can do it. You won’t regret it. I just did our company books from home when my kids were growing up and we got along on less and I don’t regret it a bit. Later I got my MFA and taught but they were in college by then. But I always thought this woman is trying to do way too much. I got pretty creative with money to pull it off.
Yeah, I think sometimes I do too much. Before this full time job, I worked from home and taught for five different online schools. It was great until…it wasn’t. Because all the money was up in the air all the time. So one solid salary plus teaching as a supplemental seems to be working. But we’ll see what the future holds for me now!
Of course, it’s not my business, ha, and I listen too much to Dr. Laura, ha, but see if you can’t do say TWO online jobs and make sacrifices so you can mostly be a mom. Your most important job is to get those kids supported and you are right–nobody can do what you’ve been doing, not well. Or even with five online teaching jobs. Sometimes you can pull it off without downsizing your home, too. These days many people think they need two incomes, but getting along on one and a bit more is ideal with young children. But whatever you decide to do, remember, what’s happened is a result of you being mentally exhausted and that won’t change with another full time job. It likely has nothing to do with how capable you are at any of them. Just make sure your kids come first, and not just in sentiment, but in time, and things will fall into place.
Nothing feels worse than being told by an employer that you don’t fit. At least they didn’t walk you out the door with your possessions in a box, which an armed guard watches you to make sure you don’t take any souvenirs.
Look at this as a stepping stone. You got the experience of working there which will come in handy sometime.
Thanks, I’m hoping that’s the case!