Thursday 13 – You know me: random thoughts

  1. I am in such a bad mood today! I guess “bad” isn’t the right way to put it. On edge? Generally stressed? Quick to exasperation. Kids were whiny this morning and I snapped at them. There’s a sad pall hanging over me. Some of it has to do with money, some having to do with my grandfather, who will be going home with 24 hour care. A bad sign for sure but I know my parents are doing what they can to make it comfortable for him.
  2. I am sure it is hormones that are making me feel this way but I am definitely one emotional thing away from possibly crying. Which would actually be helpful but I can’t have that moment in, you know, the middle of work.
  3. I hit a low point yesterday; we ate keto and I felt good about it but then I dropped my daughter off at dance and decided to stop into the store for ice cream for the kids. But then I got a Whatchamacallit and ate the entire thing. That’s a new low for me! But I guess I do tend to stress eat even in this new diet where I only eat once a day. I’ll throw a piece of candy onto the end of my meal. Ugh. I definitely felt bad about it.
  4. I have a bad habit of forcing all emotions down way deep inside so I guess when I get like this, they’re struggling to get out. It’s almost foreign to feel them because I try to ignore any sort of emotional anything. That’s probably a really bad way to live, huh?
  5. Time is, of course, moving slowly today. All I want to do is go home. I have to get the kids and my husband then pick my car up from the shop. It’s old (’07) and needed a lot done so we bit the bullet and did it. It better drive like a new car, I tell ya that much! But yeah, once this day gets to the evening, I will be feeling a lot better.
  6. I hate having this feeling like I want to skip ahead in time, to a time when I am more financially stable and happy.
  7. Whenever I get like this, I start to miss the old days, simpler times. Though I like where I am in my life now, I almost miss when it was all chaotic when the kids were younger. I love the activities they do now and how independent they are but at the same time, I yearn for when they needed me more.
  8. My mom called to say that my grandfather has declined significantly and is being put on hospice. They’d hoped to take him home and get 24 hour care but the doctors changed their minds this morning. Like I needed more stress right now; lol. I mean, for his sake, I hope he doesn’t sit too long in that state, just feeling bad and not being in his own home. I know that must be awful for him.
  9. So now we wait. We wait to see if he does ok and bounces back or languishes and dies. I know it sounds awful but that’s the facts. We had vowed that the whole family would go to that event when it eventually happened so now the time has drawn near and plans will need to be made.
  10. In the same vein as above, I want to skip ahead in time so we can be past difficult things. But I also know that from difficult things come wonderful things. I know that Ash will support me through this time and we’ll be closer. I know the kids appreciated my grandfather and though they will be sad, maybe this will be a good experience for them. I also know that if he passes, my parents have some tough decisions to make about my aunt.
  11. So she is disabled and we’ve always said that when it was just her left (she lived right next to my grandpa and they looked out for each other) she’d move near my mom but I’m worried she wants to move IN with them but with her MD, she really needs a facility with care. My parents cannot be expected to be her bail out here. If she had it her way, they’d move down near her but that’s also not fair to them, seeing as how they have their own lives, plus my sister just moved right near them about 2 years ago so they cannot uproot now.
  12. It’s messy, dealing with end of life stuff and family, but it can hopefully all be solved. I assume they’ll sell my grandfather’s home. I know he did well for himself so hopefully he has plenty to cover the medical expenses, etc. My dad went through this with his folks already so my mom’s been really glad he’s there for her. He’s always been the one of sound mind; not that my mom isn’t but he keeps her from panicking too much.
  13. I feel a little better having written all that out. It’s much easier than sitting here, stewing about it.

3 thoughts on “Thursday 13 – You know me: random thoughts

  1. Sometimes writing helps me too, I usually get out my paper and pen. I know a good cry helps on those days. Sometimes I can tell I just needs more sleep too and then things don’t seem as bad.

  2. Writing things out helps, because then your problems don’t seem as big. Sorry about your grandfather. I think two or three of the blogs I read have someone in the same situation. Weird how that happens….

    1. That’s pretty crazy; I need to find those blogs. While it helps to write things out, I have this desire to read about others in similar positions. Somehow I feel better then.

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