On letting things go and being a better person

I admit it: I lost the desire to work when I thought I might change jobs. I couldn’t MAKE myself feel better about doing the work; it had to come as part of the logical progression. In time, I started to feel a little more motivated (granted, this was a small amount of time.) Yesterday was my low point. My back is still giving me fits so I left and went directly home, running a hot bath, using a face mask I got for free at that oils party, and reading a book. After, I put one drop of lavender oil on each temple and fell into the most blissful sleep. When I woke, I went to Publix and then home to catch up on the baskets of laundry I fail to put away, day after day. That four hour stint by myself was exactly what I needed.

I came into work today and the office was having a pot luck breakfast/birthday thing for our department chair. It was nice to converse with those people because the sense of unity we once had has been corrupt ever since the last office manage left. The only person I consider to be my friend up there – the one I thought was mad at me – is clearly angry at those other folks. She didn’t participate and this made me sad but you know, I can’t let that bother me. That is her issue to deal with.

I got mad at Elliot this morning for being so negative about pretty much everything people said. But I realize I have been like that for about 2 weeks now. Ash and I always tell the kids to have balance in their lives. But I am just as guilty here. I’ve been unpleasant, unmotivated, and angry. I’m allowing myself to tip the scale too far on the work side of things and it’s taking away from the rest of me – the mom side, the wife side. I guess the first step is realizing it though.

What I have been, mostly, is sad and anxious. I keep thinking that something will turn my mood around; I’ll find a new job and that will be the answer. But I guess what I have to do is make something happen. I know I whine on here quite a bit about breaking out of the funk but as always, there are peaks and valleys. I felt great this morning but as this afternoon wears on, I feel less and less human. I type, I read papers, I check Twitter. My brain barely computes what I am seeing. I take in knowledge, my mind drifts. My ideas are like marbles rolling around one of those old wooden Labyrinth games; plunking into tiny holes – traps – and disappearing.  Not long to go now and it’s home to fix quick snacks and run off to baseball. My life is a crazy mess but I should be thankful that it is this and not something awful. I am… I am…

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