I’ve been lookin’ for you, baby


*Kenny Chesney song

So I had a dream that our daughter had been born – in fact, she was about six months old – and she was pretty cute, though blond. Which would probably not happen as no one in our family is. It’s always weird to dream of someone who has not yet been seen or realized; the thing inside me is still faceless and a non-entity (as far as I’m concerned; don’t go getting into weird fetus/abortion issues now!) It’s the only thing I can do: imagine what this child will be like. I only know what features  boys of our lineage will posses.  What will our little girl look like? I have a friend whose daughter looks just like her dad, which is weird because at four, she has a very masculine face… with blond curly hair. My children have each looked squished and scrawny in the first few weeks but then evened out to be really cute. Though, I am pretty sure moms are biased. It’s nature so we don’t kill and/or eat them.

Here’s Elliot when new and then six months later:
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See? Much cuter.

And new baby Isaac and six months later:

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Aww, lookit that little pumpkin!

I had a moment during yoga last night; we were entering the deep relaxation phase – in savasana – and as I slipped further into my own subconscious, I realized how much I will get to share with a daughter that I cannot with my boys. If and when she has her own children, we can share in that feeling of pregnancy. And maybe even labor. (My own mother had to have two c-sections due to breach babies and she didn’t even see either of us until 12-24 hours after we were born.) That feels sacred to me. Even when my boys grow up and possibly become dads, they won’t be a part of that process of incubating a child. There will always be a disconnect. But maybe with a daughter I can experience this.

That was the main point I realized when we found out it was a girl: now I get to experience having both genders and just understanding what that’s like as a parent. I felt truly blessed when I had two healthy boys. When I finally wanted children, I knew I wanted boys. And I got them. Now I get this added bonus and I feel so gifted. I am trying not to think about all the tiny things. I mean, three children will move us from man defense to zone and oh, when this baby is about 2-3, we are IN FOR IT. They’ll gang up on us, factions will be formed. I may need more pedicures and massages and iced coffee trips. But it’s going to be pretty damn awesome too. I know it.

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