So, things are up in the air again as far as making more money. I can go into no further detail but it was a crushing blow yesterday morning. I got over it though. I cried briefly in my office, told myself it’s not the end of the world and moved on. It still sucks for the time being but what CAN be done IS being done. People are discussing.
I am back to running but I don’t feel like I am seeing the same results. Without the same Hawaiian vacation as a goal I see no tangible reason for even trying, other than – you know – health and wanting to look decent. But I somehow lost sight of that overall result. I guess I need to find a training plan and stick to it, even if I am not looking towards any races. I need to have some greater purpose when I’m out there hoofing it up hills in the sweltering heat.
The kids are amazing these days and I find myself connected to Isaac more and more. I remember worrying that I couldn’t possibly love another child like I did Elliot. How can one person put that much love into two people equally? It was a legitimate worry when I had Elliot; I solely devoted myself to Ash and then a part of me had to branch off and devote energy and myself to him too. Then add Isaac into the mix and again, I separate another part of my soul and hand it over to him.
He lets me rock him. Elliot never did; he’d flail about and cry. After Isaac gets his nighttime bottle, I turn him around and tuck him under my chin and we rock in the dark until he gets sleepy enough. I know when that moment happens because his body sags into me.
I am ever in awe of the things he can do, even at one. And though I try not to, I compare him to Elliot and when he hit certain milestones. Suffice to say, Isaac is such a different child. He is determined and skillful with his movements and he has yet to meet a food he doesn’t like. I sometimes miss him when I am at work. I am so excited to see how he and Elliot will become friends.
My writing is at a stand-still. I wrote 26 single spaced pages on a novel and then started to question its quality. I started a short story that I think about constantly but cannot seem to work on. I love the topic and think it can be something great. But where to find motivation/inspiration?
Something good needs to happen…stat. This weekend: birthday party for friend. Then party with Ash’s friends. I’m hoping I will glean some kind of happiness from these events. Right now, things don’t look so hot from down here.