Sad clown

I am unhappy today. In the past, I sometimes let my emotions get the best of me but lately, well – after having kids – I have really balanced out. Maybe my hormones changed or something but I find that I don’t get all choked up and upset at basically nothing anymore. Maybe I’m too busy now! But either way, I am feeling that old blue feeling today, the kind where the sadness is welling up right behind my calm cool facade, right behind my uncaring eyes.

Last night was Ash’s party and it turned out very nice. About twenty people came and we had a good time. It wasn’t amazing like parties past but successful anyway. Ash got pretty wasted with his friends and that was pretty much what he wanted. This morning, he didn’t feel great but he thanked me a few times for throwing the party and just giving him that gift. And then he up and went to play cards. And the more I thought about it, the sadder I got. Because I kind of thought he and I would go out today, enjoy the simplicity of having only one child for the time being. I thought maybe he appreciated me enough. Maybe it has nothing to do with that. But I was hurt that he didn’t even think to ask if it bothered me. Well, it kind of does. But on the other hand, I am angry about it and rather he not be here to see that. Would rather sulk alone.

I hate feeling this way; wish there was something that would magically take away the hurt and pressure in my chest, the ache in my throat. I want to buy stuff but I know that material things don’t make the intangible go away. I want to lift myself up by the bootstraps and be happy and go out and buy food and make a nice dinner for us. But neither of us really deserve that. And I have no money.

I blame the full moon for all of this.

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