I wanted to write about some stuff that I’ve used as coping mechanisms in the face of all this stress…

1. Looking back through my photos. I keep the good ones on a Flickr account that I also share with friends and family. I have been a little lax in the past year about documenting the mundane aspects of our life so I want to look at photos to remind myself to do it. I love seeing everything we’ve done as a family and all those little things that make me happy.
2. On that note, I find that I am thinking about good times/seasons of our life. This morning, I found myself excited for Cross Country season, which isn’t even until September. I am happy about summer because I enjoy the sun and swimming. I’m almost nostalgic for times when I didn’t feel so stressed.
3. Taking solace in the fact that I AM good at my job and for every person that tells me that and says thank you for anything I have done for them, I make a little mental note; a little notch. It reminds me of once, long ago, when I worked as a camp counselor. My kids loved me; I was in charge of second and third graders and I felt like we really connected. But I had this boss, Judy, who always pulled me aside and told me to smile more and to be nicer to the kids. She somehow equated those two things but I knew the truth; I knew I was good with those campers and they liked how I was.
4. Writing. Sure it’s only fanfiction but I have really thrown myself into it as a way to feel productive; like something I do matters.
5. Being uncharacteristically happy. I am generally either disgruntled or at best, neutral. So I am making huge strides in terms of being upbeat and happy towards coworkers. I am pretty fed up with all of them but I can’t dwell in that. While talking to a close friend, she reminded me that 90% of any conflict is swayed by your own reaction. So if I enter into everything in a positive way, things can be good.  I don’t know how long I can keep it up; it’s going to be a challenge. But I have tackled harder things.

I am basically on the verge of tears all the time now. Not out of sadness but just a general emotional instability. I cry at movies and thoughts of how proud I am of my children. Heck, every time they showed a children’s’ hospital during the NFL draft last night, I was a blubbering mess. It’s so funny how your life plods along at times: your day to day stuff is the same. I thrive on routine and stability so it works for me. Then every now and then, a wrench is thrown in and everything is out of whack. But you realize that there are all these feelings you don’t get a chance to experience when things are all fine and dandy. So I am trying to embrace that.