I always thought it might be nice – or interesting – to go see a therapist. I used to (lapse sometimes still) have major anger issues. These stem from my father and his father before him and in my 20s, I was so ashamed to admit that I was doing the exact same things he did. But after having children, it is even more apparent and sobering… so I am more aware of my short fuse and quick temper; I hate to see the looks on my kids’ faces when I yell at them. But with that mostly in check, I feel like a fairly balanced person. But lately, with this pregnancy, I keep falling into these horrible episodes of feeling defeated by it. And I am only 16 weeks!
For a brief moment, my world speeds up, like pressing fast forward on an old tape deck – I can hear and see all these things going so fast and then – bam! – I’m in labor. You’d think this would be a good thing, considering that would indicate the end of the pain. You’d think I’d be ok with it considering this is my third rodeo and geez, no big deal. But no, it feels like I am dying; like the world is just about to end. It’s so dire and downright scary. I don’t know why I panic all of a sudden; I am not prone to panicking. No, my descent into this defeatist attitude is awful. But, as suddenly as it comes on me, it is gone and I go back to feeling semi-normal again. That’s one of the funniest things about pregnancy: there are moments when you have no idea who you are, simply by the fact that you’re a temporary incubator.
I need something new to get into. When I was pregnant with Isaac, I got back into actively reading and collecting comic books. This kept me busy and gave me a focus other than parenting while pregnant and the overwhelming fear of becoming a mother of two. I don’t have much right now other than my Belly Book and my blog. And I guess I have been reading but it’s not that exciting. I thought about food blogging but I don’t want to take on something I can’t see through. I would go on long hiatuses like most of the other local foodies and that’s not what I want. It shouldn’t be that hard to come up with interests; how sad is my life if I can’t even think of things I like?
SO, goals for the end of the weekend are as follows: mow the lawn, get rid of sore throat, SLEEP, and find one new hobby.