Forward momentum

There are decisions you make that you  think will be Big Deals. I’m reluctant to go back to work early but I believe that’s something I’m solid on now. Only by two weeks, but still.  I have to; financial stability is important these days. I haven’t called Isaac’s daycare lady but it probably won’t be a problem. This time around, maternity leave was… different. I both enjoy it and loathe it. Days aren’t really long or boring as I thought they would be. Somehow the time has gone exceedingly fast; Isaac is two days away from 6 weeks and I am blown away by this fact. What the hell have I been doing in that time?? I couldn’t say.

Though it could totally jinx us, I’ll tell you that he’s leveling off now. There were a couple really rough weeks there and he was Fussy and Inconsolable and I was seriously losing touch with my sanity. But he’s been a heck of a lot better lately. I’ve been able to take him out and we even went to dinner with friends the other night. I was worried because evening is usually his fussiest time of the day. But he slept the whole time. And speaking of sleeping, the past two nights I have bathed, fed, and put him down around 9:30 and he’s slept between 5 and 6 hours, only waking me once in the night.  In some ways, I attribute this to actually sticking to a routine. I don’t think we bothered putting Elliot down that early because it seemed like he was totally awake from about 8 PM to 2 AM. We probably could have though; new parents just don’t grasp those concepts.

I feel like I am better equipped this time around, even though there are days – usually Sundays – when I feel weak and lame and completely incapable of handling even the smallest tasks. I don’t know why; maybe it’s because I easily fall into the mindset of selfishness. I don’t get a lot of things for myself these days and even though I am not typically materialistic or selfish in that manner, I find myself getting cranky about this. Like yesterday, I didn’t get to read my book at all and that annoyed me. Reading is one of the few things that is solely mine, even though the majority of the time, I have to do it while breastfeeding. In my head a little voice – Elliot’s – echoes “mine!”. He has no worries about looking like a fool and yelling this about all kinds of stuff. When I steal away for a mere second the bathroom or to feed Isaac and read, my internal voice growls, “Mine. My time. Go away.”

I think as a parent you have to pocket these little things in order to maintain your sanity. At least some shred of it. I will otherwise lose it; send Elliot to his room, dump the baby in Ash’s arms and run screaming to my car to get far far away from the fray. But that’s all part of being a parent. You pay your dues now but the payoff is great.

Six week post-partum check up in 30 minutes. I’m off like a prom dress, y’all.

3 thoughts on “Forward momentum

  1. I don’t know why selfishness gets such a bad rap. It’s necessary to balance other things, like sacrifice and charity. If you have too much of one or the other, you lose personal balance and go crazy.

    Be glad you’re feeling selfish. It means you’re normal. 🙂

  2. I think I would go insane if I wasn’t “selfish” every now and then. Although, there are times when I feel totally guilty about it. Wierd how doing something for yourself makes you feel guilty!

    Routines are key. I read in this book (Happy Child, Healthy Sleep Habits ? – something along those lines) that a baby cannot actually follow a sleep routine until around 6 weeks or so.

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