You knew it was coming; it was only a matter of time. I will not sugar coat it though. Having two children is HARD. But only at certain times. If Isaac is awake when I am trying to make dinner and Elliot and Ash have just gotten home, then it’s like a circus up in here. Otherwise, it’s just handling Elliot that is the concern. But after having dealt with a mostly mute tiny creature all day, Elliot’s like a bull in a china shop when he gets home and I feel stressed out. Plus, the post-partum emotional roller coaster – for me- kicks in around this time so I run the gamut of emotions as the sun draws nearer to the horizon. Give me until about 8 o’clock and then I level off. I remember that with Elliot; right around 5 or 6 I would feed hm in the recliner in the nursery and look out on the setting sun and just weep. I couldn’t tell you why… I just felt off. And I have been that way a few times the past couple days and I think I am most in amazement at how I can go from feeling so happy and full one minute to low and utterly lost the next. Human hormones are a crazy mystical thing.
I was busy this week with doctor appointments and necessary errands so I don’t think I have yet eased into or settled into my maternity leave. Somewhere in the back of my mind I keep feeling like I have this thing to do that’s going to take away my Isaac time. But there’s not. I have until June 28th. I’m excited that I am feeling better health-wise, though not 100% yet, but I am waiting for the time when I really find my stride here and can maneuver through a day without mishap. Admittedly, I know more of the fundamental baby-caring techniques now but I often refer to the many books I own still, to remind myself if I am doing it “right”.
For the most part, things have been manageable. Ash has stepped up in terms of helping with Elliot, which he already did a lot of. The two will run an errand while I take the baby to the store. Or stay home and feed him while they go to the park. It’s working well so far. The best thing about this time is that I have found a way to focus on everyone. I fully admit that with Elliot, some weird mom instinct took over and I worried about that baby alone. And my relationship with Ash suffered. As you know, if you have a vaginal birth, sex is banned for 6 weeks after. I took this to the extreme last time and, thinking only of myself, didn’t even help Ash out. This may be more than you’d like to know but things are definitely better this time.
I think Isaac actually saw me for the first time last night. Ash was at Magic and it was around 10 PM. I was feeding him in bed and after that session he was particularly awake. Babies don’t see very far or clearly but there was a moment when I think he saw me. It was a magical little moment.
His eyes are open more now. Honestly, I am looking forward to the month mark. I go back through Elliot photos and remember the stages at which I marveled. I don’t want to forget about that with number two; so many things already get left behind. But I can tell you this: if ever there was fear of not connecting and/or loving a second boy, that’s all gone by the wayside. I see now that I have room in my heart for all the men in my life. And it feels really nice to say that.