For the past two days, I have not been able to conjure up an entry. I wasn’t busy; just not on the ball. I’m sure you didn’t miss me much, but there ya go.
It’s Friday, though the week felt like it flew by in a huge rush, somehow. I had a lot of things to do and the time passed before my eyes- I maybe got 5 out of 9 things done. I guess I should be proud of that but really, I feel like I have failed. Those 4 other things sit out in space, waiting to be accomplished while I’m over here having very awful stomach pains (going on day 3 now) and procrastinating to the best of my ability. (Warning: YouTube and DeviantArt are gigantic time sinks.)
I think I have felt disconnected from reality this week. In an attempt to forget how much work I really have to do, I have pushed the portion of my brain with the ability to be aware and make decisions to the back burner and have taken up a little cocoon where I feel safe and cozy and where I just finish a few things and say screw it to the rest. It’s not right; I used to be able to mentally keep track of everything on my plate. These days, I feel like I can’t quite get to that level of awareness anymore. It began with baby-brain, I am sure, but it doesn’t seem to ever return. I cannot quite reach that caliber of thought, of performance. It’s depressing.
But I struggle on, push forward, cross an item off the list. I watch some videos, I finish a project. I check my email, I work on my class website. It goes on and on. There are some highlights: we went to dinner with Elliot’s godparents last night. I always feel like we’re doing something nice for them when they get the chance to see little Elliot. With the giant hole in their hearts where their son once was, Elliot fills a tiny part of it, bringing an inkling of joy to their lives.
Ash and I watch movies and basketball, have a small meal together after Elliot has gone to bed. It’s that time of the semester/year – for me – when I am just waiting for something to happen. It’s all cyclical and it’ll go around again. I’ll get busy, we’ll start projects, and friends will be around in abundance. This I must accept and not wallow in the sadness of the mundane. Life IS like that, I tell myself; get over it.
So I don’t mean to sadden you on what should be a happy day: Friday! To balance all that, I’ll list some happier things: my birthday is next week, it’s Spring!, I just bid on a cool batman tshirt (for myself), I have a hundred bucks to go clothes shopping with, the weather is still gorgeous despite allergies, and again, it’s Friday!