I’m just angry and irritable this week. I can honestly say that since I have had three kids and have been super busy all the time, I have little extra time to be emotional about anything. A little sad, if you really analyze it; I don’t allow myself to stop and mope or cry or get all worked up about things – good or bad. But this week I am.
I am irritated by my class. Sometimes there are a few slackers but this time, I dislike almost all 25 of them. This is not like me; I can usually look past some stuff but these kids are the worst. They don’t read, they don’t participate in class, and they seemingly know nothing about the world. I don’t know if I’m just getting so much older or if I just got a dud group. Seriously; they didn’t know what a montage in a movie is. Hell, they couldn’t remember what movie they even watched last! I am fed up already and we’re only in week three. Sigh.
I am also annoyed by the busyness of our lives and the fact that my doctor’s office gave me the run-around about something when they usually do not. All this culminates into an endless anger that I harbor and use to propel myself through the day. I seethe and let it drive me; it’s like the feeling of being worked up is my sustenance. I know that is probably not good. It’s a behaviour I haven’t actively displayed since my early to mid twenties.
It makes me want to do rash things, hardcore things. I want to shoot guns (at a range, of course. Or, you know, air rifles at cans); I want to get tattooed. Sure, I have plans but I want to go now. I want that pain. It also makes me want to run. I have been doing 2 milers but I need to run longer, exhaust myself; give me another reason to feel some sense of accomplishment.
I’m trying to be positive. Today, in some small way, FSU is paying me back. I’m doing the Guest Coaches program over in Athletics again. I get a tour and to see a positions meeting and to watch practice. On Saturday, we get to see the recruitment video, see on-field warm-ups, then go to the game. Other perks include free meals, a parking spot close to the stadium, etc. I pretty much bend over backwards for them when it comes time to register their students so it’s nice to be rewarded in some way.
I should be happy that I am getting my work done and next week I have a brief respite from online teaching. I’m enjoying flag football. NFL starts today and we’ll have so much fun with that and all the upcoming holidays. I’m excited about Fall and Fall things. I will be ok. Things… will be ok.