I have felt… less than self aware lately. Possibly after the Great Poison Ivy Debacle of ’08 I really had hit rock bottom. It sucked the life out of the Smith household and we’ve struggled to recover. Though, we’ve been doing a fairly good job. Day to day life is good. Crazy, stressful and rushed, but good. We have our ups and downs but doesn’t everyone? Last night, Ash was feeling sort of sad because he’s reading this book where the main character goes through some really horrible stuff but regardless, the author endears you to the characters so much that it has really gone to Ash’s head. It is subconsciously depressing him. (Much like the way Prep did for me, though no one was tortured in that book.) Anyway, Ash asked me what my one goal was right now.

And I had to really think. I don’t know if there is ONE thing I am focused on right now. I told him being a good mom/wife, probably because it’s my number one priority. But he wondered why I didn’t have one main thing I was working towards so that once I attained it, I could choose another and begin again. He says he guesses it’s a male thing to do this but I am guessing it’s an individual thing. I am sure a lot of people find that they work best when their to-do list has but one item on it. Then once that is crossed off, they start a new list, item one. I do this at work sometimes but in my home life, there’s just too many side dishes on the plate to have a main course all by itself.

With that said, I used to have “becoming a teacher” nestled right up under “mom/wife”. It was so close that they were almost tied for first. But as this recession has taken hold and Leon county’s education budget has plumetted (Thanks, Crist), I have fallen further and further away from that goal. In fact, I hardly even think that I want to teach anymore. Sure, I still am. Out of the kindness of my boss’s heart, she lets me teach one of our department’s online classes. It sort of goes under the radar for the most part. The higher ups barely know I do it. And I plug away and glide along, doing the same old same old. And I get paid. But I don’t think I even enjoy it anymore. I find myself reluctant to even go to my class’s site and update, though I know I HAVE to. It isn’t a choice; it’s my job. And I owe it to these kids. But there’s definitely a lack of drive to care.

I still browse the Leon County Schools website and apply to English teacher jobs that pop up. But I think my friend, B, said it best when she told me that all her friend who teach high school got the job by either knowing someone or by being a substitute teacher. I cannot be a sub because I work full-time and the only other person I knew who was teaching high school here a.) taught at a school I am less than thrilled to even apply to and b.) is now in prison. SO, might as well hand me the red marker now and I will cross off that #2 on my list.

It’s tough now with a toddler (OMG did you know he’s a toddler? He’s actually 13 months TODAY) and the holidays upcoming, Ash’s next baby plan in full swing (he wants to Begin Again after Christmas), and just all the STUFF that goes along with being a parent and a home owner and a full time employee. I know this sounds a lot like whining (someone call the Wahmbulance) but I am full up, overworked, tired, and in need of a vacation.

Oh wait, we leave for Chicago in 10 days. That’s right pity me, I mean, envy me.

I’m hoping this vacaction is just what the doctor ordered.

What’s on your big to-do list? Just one thing or several?

2 thoughts on “Musings

  1. I feel like, in general, all over, this summer has been for crap. There’s a lingering miasma about it all, at least for me. And I’m so glad fall is creeping up on us.

    Good luck getting out of the doldrums.

Talk to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s