- You know me – I’m starting this on Wednesday. I have tons of grading to do but here I am, just wasting time. I’m leaving at about 2 today so I can hit the store and get home for my 3 pm phone call/interview. I am REALLY hoping I can make that job work. As noted before, it’s local but seems like it could be a hybrid or even remote position. Oh please Lord, see fit to get me something!
- It’s funny that whenever I feel stressed and unsettled, I often remember really good things and I was just thinking about this day that I had lunch with my husband and daughter, back during Session. We met up at this place called the Lunchbox and it’s somewhere we went a lot when my boys were little because it was near the old house. I can’t remember, on this particular day, why Dakota was not at school but he and Ash met me up there and while I did get in trouble for taking lunch during a busy day with deadlines, it was very worth it. We sat outside, ate good food, and enjoyed each others company.
- Fingers crossed that my pool is almost swimmable. It’s not entirely clear but the algae is gone so I can add clarifier, stabilizer, and salt and maybe this weekend the kids can get in. I know they really want to!
- Ash shared a passage from Dune the other day about how fear is the mind-killer, how it stops you from moving forward. And the writer isn’t wrong; I let fear really get in my way of progress. I live in it, obsess over it, and can’t find my way out. It goes hand in hand with the ways I beat myself up for perceived failures. None of that really helps you move in and be strong enough to survive, does it?
- I have got to get back to walking or running or both. I know exercise helps overall mood but it really is so easy to pull away from that and pop back into the bad habits of simply sitting around, eating and drinking.
- The end of the school year is upon us and I feel…not quite connected to it. Isaac has an 8th grade graduation thing Friday and then next week, Dakota will do all her end of 5th grade things and they all have half days. For me, I have to help her get teacher gifts together and maybe a couple cards, for the bus driver, etc. I don’t even think anyone got yearbooks and I feel sort of bad about it but they also didn’t seem to care. So, oh well? Before we know it, school will be over and we have to transition into that summer mode, which always feels so weird. Here’s a post from last year where I talk about it. https://incognitusscriptor.com/2023/06/02/friday-five-this-post-has-taken-me-all-morning/, and another from the year before: https://incognitusscriptor.com/2022/05/31/random-tuesday-monday-ish-recap-moving-on/
- Isn’t it weird how you can’t quite convey a feeling? I keep thinking about last year when we played a lot of Golden Tee and listened to music. The living room lights were a bit low, the music (mostly yacht rock) all went together to make this ambience. It was just such a great time; the kids got involved and it was a comfort when I was unbalanced, in my first year working Session hours. And that’s all gone now and different and I can’t seem to find a way to replicate the way it felt.
- Thursday now. I am a ship on the waves, being pushed to and fro. I was spiraling yesterday, worried about everything. I had that interview and it pays woefully low. Like, it’s a joke to even bother. So I was in a state. I asked God, why am I being forced to endure this back and forth without any answers? I don’t have them, that’s for sure. Ash and I went to see Planet of the Kingdom of the Apes, which was better than I thought it would be. I felt better after seeing it. I slept better than I have in a loooong time. Not because my mind was quieted but because I hadn’t eaten. LOL. I was so stressed that I ate probably less than half of a half sandwich. I just felt too sick. I am, right now, operating on that and two cups of coffee since 7 pm Tuesday evening. But I feel ok, health-wise.
- I woke up this morning having rested, my husband seemed happy, despite our worries of the unknown, and I left the house grateful for all I do have. I said a thank you prayer for my family, my home, my husband, his job. I marveled at the beauty in the world around me. I also felt a renewed sense of “I can do this!” So I got into the office and sent some follow-up emails to contact people on the state jobs I’ve applied for. Additionally, and for no reason at all, I felt compelled to reach back out to the community college. I don’t exactly want to go back to classroom teaching but the Dean got right back to me and said they’d have me return for Fall! This does not solve my long-term problem but it is a band-aid for now. Perhaps I can teach in the Fall and find a government job by 2025.
- I also chatted with one of the other editors here and she put so many things into perspective for me. She and I discussed God, faith, etc and it was nice to be able to vent some of that to someone who is a. in this same job and b. a true believer. She really helped me to believe that God does help us, even when we can’t see how it’s going to work out. Obviously, as the TCC thing sort of materialized today. Maybe I am meant to continue teaching.
- I can rest a little easier now, I suppose. It’s not settled and perfect but in the meantime, as I continue to apply and find THE job for me, this helps. I also need to stop thinking all the what-ifs. I mean, both good and bad. I keep thinking, well, maybe this means I will get called for the online proposal development job and maybe I can keep TCC online only and then it all works out! I know I’m daydreaming but it kind of helps cushion my brain from the fear.
- Two years ago at this exact time, I was looking to leave online teaching and go back to the office. I was struggling something fierce! But I took solace in so many things, such as music. I find it funny that a couple of the songs I was really into then keep coming up at strategic times, like when I’m feeling my lowest. It’s a sign I tell you.
- Boy, if this day wasn’t weird enough, I put out a call on Facebook to see if I still knew anyone who taught online and the person who answered was not who I expected! When I was in grad school, I sat next to another grad student in my TA cube office named Troy, who happened to also be a pastor. After Ash and I got engaged, I employed him to officiate my wedding because, as I was planning, I found out that Catholic priests are not allowed to hold an outdoor wedding. Crazy, right? So anyway, I got Troy to do it and he did very well; it was a beautiful ceremony. He was a fantastic person, family-man type. Well, he messaged me and he’s the Dean of a community college about 2 hours from me and says they will need online staff! When it rains, it pours, eh? While not perfect, as I said, it is a step in transitioning out of here. I hope it all works out; the idea of going back to working from home (and being able to run again!) is making me absolutely giddy.
incognitusscriptor.com 
Yep, it will work out. And I’m a huge believer in signs and synchronicity. So just be open to it and relax as much as you can. Happy Thursday.
The job hunt is sounding more and more positive. I hope you get more positive news today!
Whoa, interesting to see how things are coming together!