Ok, for one, I wish I didn’t use that title because I feel like I’m not doing it justice. I just can’t sit through Brokeback Mountain, despite my undying need to see the hot man on man action I heartell about. It has something to do with Heath Ledger being dead and all, and something to do with how thick molasses slow the movie is. I wish I could just turn to the channel either right as they’re out in the wilderness feeling all angsty or to the moment of the line, “I can’t quit you.” Because then I’d at least feel fulfilled in some way. Ok, enough about this. The point of this entry was to pinpoint some things I wish I could stop doing. Some of them I do and don’t even realize it. Some I just can’t seem to stop because I have a rationale – it’ll make sense as I go along.
- Stop picking up a breakfast sandwich. Sure, eggs are good for you and so is the ham. But I know my arteries tighen just a smidgen each day I make this little side-step on my way to work.
- Stop feeling angry and wishing evil upon people who do wrong by me. Example: two business women were approaching the crosswalk downtown as I drove through this morning. They paused, looked at the light about to turn green, and WAITED until the hand was red before crossing right in front of my car, my light green. I wanted so much to see them have the worst day EVER, and I need to stop harboring such thoughts.
- Stop feeling guilty about wanting to make food for dinner that Ash doesn’t eat. If I were to make some chicken and veggies, he’d have to make his own meal. And I feel like I’m shirking my wifely duties.
- Stop biting my cuticles. My nails I seem to leave alone these days but I nervously chew at the tiny crescents of flesh surrounding said nails whenever I get anxious or bored.
- Stop procrastinating. At work. At home. Stop making excuses for not just getting down to business. I always feel so much better once the task is done; why can’t I just jump in?
- Stop feeling guilty for buying clothes and/or things we actually need. We only have one set of sheets for our bed and I am always doing laundry. I could use some new clothes and shoes. But I feel nad for spending money on these kinds of things. Why??
So there you have it. I think about this stuff a lot actually and try to make a conscious effort to calm the hell down and make some changes in myself. It’s actually harder than it sounds, you know?