It was quiet in Tallahassee this morning. Still, cold. The sound of birds was mysteriously absent and even as I parked downtown for my bagel, the traffic seemed muted. A bright sun rose in a clear sky and the world was slow, peaceful.

I sipped my coffee and began the arduous task of grading papers. For someone who HATES doing that, I have found myself entrenched in multiple jobs that require this. Much like laundry and dishes and taxes, I accept that this is something I just have to do. It’s mind-numbing and I keep looking for a distraction.

So I read some blogs and I hate that I keep clicking on Posie Gets Cozy in my blogroll. For so long I followed their journey of adoption and I cry in my office as things fell apart for them. And yet, they soldier on and make the best of things. And I am so very thankful that I have been blessed with the family I have.

My friend mentioned the Christmas Connection charity thing Publix is doing now. Basically, they sponsor homeless kids and we buy them a gift on their wishlist. I do feel more charitable around the holidays and find myself angry that I complain about not having so-and-so, even as children go unfed and unclothed and freaking homeless out there. What an ass I am…

I always feel a certain dichotomy right about now. I bitch and moan about money all year but it somehow seems like I have enough during these months, even though I am spending more. I don’t know how this all works out but it somehow does. So what is wrong with me? Why do I still stress out and get all worked up? I think a wonderful gift for me would be a couple months worth of yoga classes. I need to chill out.

I have been taking my vitamins and trying to stay healthy but I can feel my body rebelling against wellness. It is tired by 8 PM and all I feel like doing these past few days is lay on the couch. The colder weather doesn’t help; fleece blankets are all I crave. And hot tea. The year is inching towards its close and my biorhythms are in a downward swing. All I can do is seek out more caffeine and hope that these small weekday runs energize me enough to get through laundry and whatever other evening tasks await.

I wish we had a fireplace.

I wish I had the motivation to do things once I get home from work.

I wish.

This is the third day in a row Elliot has stayed home. He threw up some, but not enough to be concerned. He was achey but then magically OK. He managed to eat half a sandwich yesterday and then half a bagel and some crackers. But his nights are plagued by the mucous he cannot deal with and neither of us get much sleep.

I am drinking a large coffee.

It is now December and I can’t barely wrap my mind around the fact that we’re almost done with another year. Out of the blue the other night, Ash says, “Wow, you’re going to be 33 in a couple months. Crazy.” I’m not sure why he was suddenly ruminating on my age but he need not remind me; I’m well aware.

But at the same time as all of this, I am immensely content with the season. Some of my gifts are already purchased. We had frost on the ground. My tree is beautiful. The ticks (knock on wood) see to have retreated. And I really love all of the month of December. I should, again, remind myself to take things one day at a time and just be grateful for it all. Just open my eyes and see.