When things are going good, my life is extremely wonderful and sugar-coated. I am loving towards my husband, patient with the kids, and cuddly with the dogs. But when I am thrown into a downward spiral of woe, I am not a good person. I don’t even like to be around me; unfortunately, I am inescapable. The only way I can get away from myself in times like these is sleep. And then I wake up and hate that I tried to avoid my problems by sleeping.

I worry too much about money. That’s for sure. I allow it to own me sometimes and when I get in that state of panic, there’s little that can be done to talk me out of it. I just have to careen towards the eventual crash and burn.  I have to hit rock bottom before I see the way out. I only wish I had the foresight to stop this cycle. Sure, I can see it now but while it’s building and looking that way, I am helpless to stop. On Saturday, I was a waste because all I could think about was how we’re going to afford my 10 weeks during the summer when I make less money AND a trip we’ve been planning for some time. Oh yeah, and new windows. We have a sneaking suspicion that our electricity bills are high because of our 40 year old single pane windows.

It’s not that we don’t make good money. It’s that we live a certain lifestyle and have two kids. I wouldn’t go so far as to say we can’t afford to have kids. I know people like that. I also know they have two car payments and debt coming out their asses. That’s one thing we don’t have, aside from the mortgage. We have no loans or credit cards. And only one car payment. In the long run, we’re better off. But oh, how I wish extra income were… easier to come by.

I take solace in a lot of things these days when the drudgery of money gets to me. Reading, for one. Before today (when it’s cold, for some reason) we had been sitting out in the front yard on a blanket, just enjoying the quiet and each other.

I keep thinking that some day, a better job will present itself. I have applied to at least ten online schools. I have applied to other admin jobs around here. I only need to make 4-5k more a year. That’s it. Considering I have a Masters degree, it’s incredibly depressing that all I can hope for is a glorified secretary. Ok ok, I should give myself more credit than that but still. I feel like if I had made better choices about my career path when I began college, maybe I’d at least have a skill set that would yield higher pay. Instead, I can do something in academia or write. Sigh.

I know it sounds like I am awfully whiny but I can’t seem to catch up financially or move up in the job world. I need to make a list of all the things in my life that are great and wonderful and that I should be thankful for. Maybe that’ll do the trick.

Maybe.