So if you were wondering if I am freaking out about going back to work tomorrow, you can rest assured that I am… in a state of contentment about it. I was pretty worried there for a while as the inevitable day approached but as it looms a mere 10 hours away, I believe I have made my peace with it all. Ash says he thinks I will cry. Not when I leave Elliot with the caregiver and maybe not even as soon as I drive out of their neighbourhood. But once I am on my way to work or already at work, he thinks I’ll have a moment when I realize how much I miss the little thing and then, then I will cry. He may be right, you know.

Elliot does so many new things these days, it’s ridiculous. He still would rather stand (with support obviously) than sit. He cranes his neck to see the TV when we hold him away from it. He’s been grabbing at his feet lately and pretty soon I think he’ll discover that they’re actually attached to him and are a valuable toy to ward off boredom. The other night, when Ash gave him a bottle because I had had two glasses of wine, Elliot actually held it himself. All by himself like he was some sort of person! Stop growing up so fast, my sweet little boy! I have this gnawing feeling that as soon as I get back into the swing of work, suddenly time will catapult forward at an alarming rate and he’ll be 6 months before I know it. Then 8, 10, then having a birthday and I’ll think, “Dear God, where does the time go?”. So all I can do is try to bask in the moments where he’ll look up at me and smile, that smile of recognition that melts my heart. I refuse to get sad about having to go back to work; I must do it to maintain the lifestyle we choose to live, to give Elliot all that we can. In the end, I know it is the right decision.

Meanwhile, I used the electric breast pump tonight for a test run. It’s quite efficient and easy. The only difficulty I foresee is making time during the day to do it. I’ll need to make a sign and people will just need to back off, man! Ok ok, that’s a bit harsh. I am thankful that I have my own office with a door that allows me the privacy to do such an act. It’s just too important to me to keep giving him breastmilk; I’ll make it work no matter what.

So, tomorrow it’s back to the grind, back to the life I knew a mere 4 months ago when I was still just a pregnant woman, wife, and dogmom. Wish me luck, everyone. I’m gonna need it.