We’ve always had to BE neighbours, almost all of us. (If you’re from the sticks, maybe not) When I was a kid, we had nice elderly neighbours on one side, and a completely insane lunatic family on the other (This included a coked-out mom, her lazy no-job-having son, her cop daughter, and her other son, who was damn fine but wrecklessly drove a truck into our avocado tree and shot their younger brother when I was about 8). When I moved away to college, I had dorm neighbours who never talked to me, apartment neighbours who came over to smoke pot, drink, and play board games, and a girl who frequently kicked her small dog to the point of forcing me to call animal control. When I moved out of apartments into a rented house and into a real honest-to-god neighbourhood, the surrounding houses and their inhabitants kept to themselves for the most part. But when we bought our house in this little place called Brandt Hills, things changed.

For one, we started waving at everyone as we drove through. Not only is it a nice thing to do but we wanted people to know we were nice people. Also, we are probably the youngest couple in the ‘hood. Seeing as how this is an older well-established place, our age could work against us. But so far, most people wave back, or at least nod. On the second or third day of living there, the woman across the street brought us a plate of cookies to welcome us. This was extremely kind, in my opinion, but she had an ulterior motive. We do not have an organized homeowner’s association that sets rules and collects dues. What we do have is a a group of people who hold meetings to look out for “our best interests”. This woman happens to be head honcho. Well, she wanted us to become active members and when we did not attend meetings, she instantly stopped waving or being polite in any way.

To our right are just about the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure of living next to. They are my parents’ age, childless, and partake in hobbies such as bowhunting, deep sea fishing, and scuba diving. They always offer their lawn equipment to us if they see we are in need. They have tended to our dogs on days when we’ve taken trips (and we have done the same for them), and they are all-around kind people. We gave them a 100 dollar Home Depot gift card for Christmas, which they tried to give back to us, but we wouldn’t let them. I am just so happy to have good friends as neighbours.

Now on our left are the problem neighbours. As I describe them you will probably think I am being mean and politically incorrect. Well sometimes, facts are facts. These people are grossly obese. I bet that if you combined their weights, you’d be in the seven hundred pound range. They don’t leave their house much, as far as I can tell. Whenever I see them going from the car to the door, they are carrying boxes from a restaurant. Their house is grimey. The once white front door is a shade of yellowy-green from years of dirt and mold. The real problem (ok there’s a tie for this one) is their backyard. Up until about a month ago, their grass was about 5-6 feet high. Buried amongst the overgrowth were – from what I could see – old rusted bedframes, bicycles, and maybe a car, but I could be just hoping for that one, just because. Well, it was truly an eyesore. But without a Homeowner’s association, what could we do? Well, back around Thanksgiving when we received a notice from Code Enforcement to remove the old jacuzzi we had from the side of our house, I deduced that the neighbours were also cited for their yard. One day, men showed up with mowers and clippers and a big trailer, hauling away rusted metal, tree branches and all kinds of debris. Amazingly, their yard looked quite nice once all that shit was gone. It started growing again and I was sure it would go back to the way it was but no, they mowed yet again.

Now, the final issue I have with them is the cats. We had two feral cats that were ‘hood cats. Tiger, an orange mangey thing, and this larger gray cat. Well, about 5 months ago, this gray cat gave birth to 4 kittens in the corner of the nice neighbours’ yard. The kittens were very cute and all but they now shit in my yard frequently and lounge on my deck, causing the dogs to go bonkers. If you have ever owned a dog, you may know that they like to, for some reason, ingest cat poo. I don’t know why this is but it makes me sick. The fat neighbours feed the ‘hood cats on paper plates, which then blow into my yard. Animal Control says, “You feed them, you own ’em”. But actually, cats cannot be considered actual property since they roam too much. So what can I do to keep these damn cats out of my yard? I don’t want them dead (although I joke about poisoning them) but I don’t want to say anything to the neighbours either. This past weekend, they were on their front steps reading while I was raking and when I commenced to sucking up the debris with the blower, I apologized for the noise and they laughed and said not to worry about it. So they ARE nice people after all.

Now, how do we get rid of the cats?