I have never waited tables but I know a lot of people who have. That is not the sole reason that I can empathize with them but the fact that I work retail allows me to understand better what they must go through on a daily basis. People are assholes everywhere and, as I always said, they totally forget their manners when they enter a public venue. Anyway, I was surfing about and stole the following from Waiter rant

SHITTY TIPPER DISEASE SYMPTOM CHECKLIST

[] Social Retardation? Are you unable to say please or thank you?

[] Temporally Challenged? Do you assume you can get a table on Saturday night without a reservation?

[] Delusional thinking? Do you really believe the owner’s your friend?

[] Episodic cognitive impairment? Can calculate your severance package down to the penny but are struck dumb when figuring out 15% of a restaurant check’s total?

[] Motivational apathy? Do you just double the tax?

[] Do you suffer from High Intracolonic Pressures?

[] Do you have a nonrelaxing puborectalis muscle? Are you a tight ass? Can you shit diamonds? Maybe you should use that botox on something besides your face.

[] Do you suffer from Enronic Sociopathy?(Otherwise know as Jeff Skilling’s Disease) Do you subscribe to an Al-Qaedaesque fundamental Darwinist view of the world? Do you believe people who work for a living are just sucking up your oxygen?

[] Do you suffer from an almost autistic sense of entitlement? Do you believe the world really revolves around you?

[] Are you from France?

I thought this was fairly amusing. I always calculated my tip like this: divide the total by 6. I think this gives them roughly 19 – 20% (I can’t do math to save my life). I usually throw in the change as well.  If they did a particularly stunning job, I will add a dollar or two. When we go to Pockets on Sundays – a sports bar – I tip way more than 20% because we go into a BAR and order food and WATER. I know they make their money on alcohol so I think it’s only fitting to tip them for refilling our pitcher of water 3 times.

One time, at Outback, Ash shook the ketchup bottle and opened it, releasing a huge glob of red onto his shirt. It exploded as if it were a soda. The waiter (whom we had seen many times before – he’s a veteran) immediately brought us a glass of club soda and a rag. Then the manager came out and comped our entire check. We left the waiter a 20.

The girlfriend of one of my old roommates worked at Cracker Barrel and was always saying how the truckers and good ol’ boys who frequently dine there never tipped. I just don’t understand not tipping.

A co-worker of my husband’s used to sign his name on the bill but he never left a tip. He didn’t even fill in the total. He tips one dollar now because my husband and his friends started filling in the tip when he wasn’t looking. It was a good ploy; a situation in which this guy couldn’t ask the waiter for another ticket and he couldn’t erase the tip. But why would you stiff them like that? (Granted, he usually did it at Chili’s and ours has shit service. I have had stuff spilled on me on 3 different occassions)

I’m out now – going home. You’ve been a wonderful audience – be sure to tip your waitress.