It is cold and rainy and I am supposed to run but I have zero interest in going out there right now.
So I am grading papers and trying to keep my wits about me. I have a follow-up chat with my Ashland person and I hope she doesn’t tell me that I have to amend how I teach. (i.e I just hope I’m not “in trouble.”) I went through and read my students’ final reflections and so many were thankful for the help I gave them and that I didn’t judge them politically. To me, that is what a college level course professor SHOULD do but you know, working with a high school means they tell the kids how to feel so I am caught up in that.
I don’t know why I let these things paint my mood so much. In any job, there are issues and confrontation. I was super spoiled for so many years because in my position at FSU, I was a literal superstar. I was always ahead, the most knowledgeable one, and my boss loved me. I think perhaps after all the falling outs and her retiring and me leaving, I got to a place where I just want to keep my head down and not cause waves but that isn’t really reasonable. I mean, it really isn’t. So I have to get back into the mindset of tackling problems head-on and talking things out. I keep taking the stance, as I said, of apologizing and amending my ways to fit their rules but I mean, can’t things be worked out in a more civil manner? Probably. I am also probably overblowing this anyway. I have this fear/superstition that any day I will piss someone off and just lose the job. Also probably not a reasonable thought and I need to stop that mindset… now.
Enough of that BS. I should be more positive. Sometimes listing my accomplishments helps. Yesterday, aside from checking email, I did zero work work. All I did was work in the house and on personal things. I got right up and started tidying the house. I wrapped a couple gifts. Then I cleaned my daughter’s room. I wish she’d keep it clean but she’s a mess. We got her a desk so once it was clean, we moved that up there. I then cleaned the bathrooms and we went to lunch. We went to Bass Pro and I got a few more gifts that I needed and we came home. I was feeling so restless though so I tidied some more, did some laundry. We met with a woman from Budget Blinds about our six sunroom windows. I planned on just getting a quote and waiting until January but then the price was reasonable enough that we committed. That’ll be nice because sun comes in at just the right angle to hit you in the eye when it’s dinner time!
When the younger kids got home, my son and husband went out Christmas shopping and my daughter and I wrapped. It was around that time that I finally rested but I was, again, restless. I wasn’t happy just tooling around on my phone. Finally it was time to start dinner. I channeled my inner 50s housewife, making a nice tortellini bake and a dessert! In fact, a classic cool whip type dessert with fruit. I kinda knocked it out of the park yesterday, to be honest. But note how little job work I did. Can I balance my life and do both well? Not sure.
This time of year, I find myself vacillating between being so happy and warm about Christmas and all that and feeling abject terror at how much money I have spent and how everything will work out with visiting family, etc. Especially when the holidays end and it becomes January; then I feel really down. But I have to pick myself up and stop that crap. I don’t need to slip into my old ways. I noticed it last night when I was thinking about Friday. We invited friends over for a Christmas party/game night and I noticed that in the last few years, I have been really good about my socializing. Used to be that I needed a week to get myself in the right frame of mind to be outgoing. But I no longer felt mentally exhausted after social activity so, progress! But last night I panicked a little because I’ll have to clean and make a snack and provide music and oh, how will it get done?! But I know I need t chill and it’ll all fall into place. It should be fun, not panic-inducing!
Ok, last one. We watched Fatman last night and I recommend it. It’s a pretty different Christmas movie but I thoroughly enjoyed it.