Friday Confessions – Whiny edition

 

I confess… we’ve had quite a few monetary set-backs and now I am stressed. I hate August for this reason: it always seems like there is way more to pay. I admit that I sometimes look at people and wonder if they are in financial peril at all. I’m guessing they probably are. We’re not – I KNOW – but I get easily overwhelmed by added, unexpected things. Everyone else always seems so calm.

I confess… I am totally listening to “Don’t worry, be happy.” Sometimes I need that kind of reminder.

I confess… I didn’t eat well again this week. I did bring my lunch a lot though (I’d better get used to that! Have to save.) and I tried to eat more fruit. What I need to eat are more vegetables. For some reason, that’s hard for me. I love them but don’t factor them into my life.

I confess… After yesterday’s burger, I am done with them for a bit. I realize that though I love a good cheeseburger, I don’t eat them but maybe once every 3-4 weeks.

I confess… my boss’s office door rattles when the A/C comes on and it has been driving me crazy. I just folded up a sheet of printer paper and jammed it into the gap. Ahh… quiet.

I confess… I am having a hard time breaking myself out of this funk. I guess what I need to tell myself is that every single time I get stressed like this about things, it always turns out just fine. Things have a way of working out, don’t they?

I confess… I thought it was all sort of hush hush that one of our big-time professor’s new wife is coming in as a grad student. But apparently not. I feel like they should be a little quieter about nepotism but eh, why bother, right? ;)

I confess… I am looking forward to my workout when I get home because I need the distraction. I hope you all have a good weekend.  I am going to go try to cheer myself up.

Briefly

I’m not feeling blogging today. I’m broke. My phone’s bugging out but I’m not due for an upgrade until later in the Summer. I have four weeks to find a side job before money gets scarce. Three people I know just got new jobs. Elliot is such a pain in my ass lately that I’m forever stressed about it. I’m disillusioned with running. And food.

There’s some good news in my world. This is the last week of my summer class so I can finally have a second of time to myself during the work day. We have a staff meeting which means I’ll get a free meal. By Thursday night, we’ll be at my parents’ house. We’re going to the beach. And I am going to let myself fully enjoy this mini-vacation. Because, man, do I ever need one.

But I have to make it through this week first.

From the trenches

So, things are up in the air again as far as making more money. I can go into no further detail but it was a crushing blow yesterday morning. I got over it though. I cried briefly in my office, told myself it’s not the end of the world and moved on. It still sucks for the time being but what CAN be done IS being done. People are discussing.

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I am back to running but I don’t feel like I am seeing the same results. Without the same Hawaiian vacation as a goal I see no tangible reason for even trying, other than – you know – health and wanting to look decent. But I somehow lost sight of that overall result. I guess I need to find a training plan and stick to it, even if I am not looking towards any races. I need to have some greater purpose when I’m out there hoofing it up hills in the sweltering heat.

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The kids are amazing these days and I find myself connected to Isaac more and more. I remember worrying that I couldn’t possibly love another child like I did Elliot. How can one person put that much love into two people equally? It was a legitimate worry when I had Elliot; I solely devoted myself to Ash and then a part of me had to branch off and devote energy and myself to him too. Then add Isaac into the mix and again, I separate another part of my soul and hand it over to him.

He lets me rock him. Elliot never did; he’d flail about and cry. After Isaac gets his nighttime bottle, I turn him around and tuck him under my chin and we rock in the dark until he gets sleepy enough. I know when that moment happens because his body sags into me.

I am ever in awe of the things he can do, even at one. And though I try not to, I compare him to Elliot and when he hit certain milestones. Suffice to say, Isaac is such a different child. He is determined and  skillful with his movements and he has yet to meet a food he doesn’t like. I sometimes miss him when I am at work. I am so excited to see how he and Elliot will become friends.

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My writing is at a stand-still. I wrote 26 single spaced pages on a novel and then started to question its quality. I started a short story that I think about constantly but cannot seem to work on. I love the topic and think it can be something great. But where to find motivation/inspiration?

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Something good needs to happen…stat. This weekend: birthday party for friend. Then party with Ash’s friends. I’m hoping I will glean some kind of happiness from these events. Right now, things don’t look so hot from down here.

Spin, spinning, spun

This is going to be a very disjointed post but I want to write how this day has been for me. My brain is all over the place because of my surgery. I KNOW it sounds lame to worry about a mere carpal tunnel procedure that lasts all of TEN MINUTES but I have never had any sort of surgeries. I pushed two kids out in relatively short amounts of time and only needed but one stitch. I have never needed anesthesia. I have never broken a bone. (Ok, my pinky toe but that doesn’t even count). I just don’t know what to expect.

I had dreams I couldn’t find the hospital. Which is laughable because I have been there before and it’s only about three blocks from my house. I dreamt I couldn’t find the room to go to and I was running late. I slept like crap.

A nurse called and ran me through all kinds of stuff, the most important thing being to wash with this antibacterial soap stuff. No biggie. I called a specific number to find out my time. I have to be at the hospital by 5 AM and my surgery is slated for 7:30. The plan is that I will drive myself and Ash will take care of getting the kids to school. I see no other way to run this, honestly. When they’re dropped off, he’ll come back and bring me home; we’ll get my car later.

I tried to go about my day normally: I got Batgirl #19 and I am writing the review now. I ordered books for Summer and Fall classes because on Monday, the schedules go live and to be in compliance with the state, books needed to be… on the books. I ate a slice of pizza because I am being a good little lapsed Catholic and abstaining from meat. I’m cleaning my office so when I get back Monday, I don’t feel like my life is spinning out of control. Classes resume and I will attempt to continue normal functions, even with my hand all bandaged.

I will be so glad when this is all over. Mostly, I look forward to being able to run without my hand asleep. And writing. I can’t wait to write in my journal without severe pain. I actually really love the act of handwriting. There’s something very sensual about dragging the tip of a pen across paper.

OK SO… I just got a call from the surgeon’s office…the guy who was going to perform it had a family emergency so I have to reschedule with one of the other surgeons and then reschedule the surgery. This is such bullshit. I was ready; this week works because I have no classes. SIGH.

You know how they say things happen for a reason? Yeah, I just don’t see it yet. Dear world, please present said reason soon. Kthxbye.

Highs, Lows, and everything in between

When things are going good, my life is extremely wonderful and sugar-coated. I am loving towards my husband, patient with the kids, and cuddly with the dogs. But when I am thrown into a downward spiral of woe, I am not a good person. I don’t even like to be around me; unfortunately, I am inescapable. The only way I can get away from myself in times like these is sleep. And then I wake up and hate that I tried to avoid my problems by sleeping.

I worry too much about money. That’s for sure. I allow it to own me sometimes and when I get in that state of panic, there’s little that can be done to talk me out of it. I just have to careen towards the eventual crash and burn.  I have to hit rock bottom before I see the way out. I only wish I had the foresight to stop this cycle. Sure, I can see it now but while it’s building and looking that way, I am helpless to stop. On Saturday, I was a waste because all I could think about was how we’re going to afford my 10 weeks during the summer when I make less money AND a trip we’ve been planning for some time. Oh yeah, and new windows. We have a sneaking suspicion that our electricity bills are high because of our 40 year old single pane windows.

It’s not that we don’t make good money. It’s that we live a certain lifestyle and have two kids. I wouldn’t go so far as to say we can’t afford to have kids. I know people like that. I also know they have two car payments and debt coming out their asses. That’s one thing we don’t have, aside from the mortgage. We have no loans or credit cards. And only one car payment. In the long run, we’re better off. But oh, how I wish extra income were… easier to come by.

I take solace in a lot of things these days when the drudgery of money gets to me. Reading, for one. Before today (when it’s cold, for some reason) we had been sitting out in the front yard on a blanket, just enjoying the quiet and each other.

I keep thinking that some day, a better job will present itself. I have applied to at least ten online schools. I have applied to other admin jobs around here. I only need to make 4-5k more a year. That’s it. Considering I have a Masters degree, it’s incredibly depressing that all I can hope for is a glorified secretary. Ok ok, I should give myself more credit than that but still. I feel like if I had made better choices about my career path when I began college, maybe I’d at least have a skill set that would yield higher pay. Instead, I can do something in academia or write. Sigh.

I know it sounds like I am awfully whiny but I can’t seem to catch up financially or move up in the job world. I need to make a list of all the things in my life that are great and wonderful and that I should be thankful for. Maybe that’ll do the trick.

Maybe.

Downtrodden

I feel like the last couple weeks have been a big heaping pile of one piece of crap news on top of another. And not just things that directly relate to me. No, I read about a fellow blogger having a D&C around 10 weeks. Then my good friend’s Sister-in-law had one too…at 20 weeks. ::Shudder::. Can you imagine having to deliver a child that’s… God, I can’t even type it.

This morning, in preparation for tomorrow’s mid-month paycheck, I constructed my budget for the next two weeks. Surprise! You’re broke! It’s not even in my account yet and it’s already allocated. Talk about depressing. I hurried Elliot along and once the kids were dropped off, I tried very hard to hold back the tears. I always stress about money but you know, when people say, ‘Oh it’ll be OK’, I can’t help but think, ‘No, not really. If there’s NO money, then it WON’T be OK.’ (Then I judo chop their heads off and bury their bodies in the yard. J/K…er…)

When I get this way, I get angry at other people who seem to have these perfect lives. I know a guy who lives in California and as evident from this FB and Twitter feed, he does nothing but eat at nice places and travel. Today, he’s skiing. Whoop-dee-doo for you. I’m slogging through work with this shitty weather outside and I’m gonna go home to dirty diapers and whining. Kiss my ass.

I found it hard to pull myself from the funk. I’m not exactly bright-eyed and chipper now but I got a big project finished and my friend, Pete, took me to lunch. The weather still sucks; it’s goddamn cold out there and all I really wanna do is read my trashy romance novel in the bath tub. But all the crap is still there when I get out so what’s the point? At least it’s Bones night and I always always always feel better after that.

Emotions are stupid. Bitching about the world is stupid. But it is what it is. Everything is cyclical and next week or the week after that will be great and I’ll be back to running and this day – this moment right here – will not even be a faint memory etched upon my mind.

Ennui

After last week when I was so slammed I had to put things on hold and work off of multiple lists, I was thankful for some down time this week. I am finding my way to a productive balanced day. In the mornings, I check email and catch up on things for class. But by mid-afternoon, I start to feel so BORED, though there are certainly things I could be doing. I have always had this problem. Although I am typically good at managing myself and my time, for the most part, I can easily slide into a pattern of restlessness; lacking motivation. This afternoon has proven especially difficult. I have opened up my notes for class then closed them, feeling a distinct lack of anything insightful to say.

I opened up my current piece of fiction but only edited a few lines before giving up. I chewed on a pen. I texted someone. I stood and touched my toes. At the one window in my office, I people-watched during the break between classes. A skateboarder was weaving between students, the clickclickclick of his wheels on the sidewalk a soundtrack to the din of chattering people.

I open a new tab in Firefox but don’t type anything in. Facebook. No new statuses. Twitter. Nothing interesting. Tumblr. Mindless drivel that entertains me for all of sixty seconds. Back to the computer, back to my Word doc. I changed the name of my main male character from Barrett to Cam. I selected and replaced all. Now I feel like I accomplished something, small as it is.

I glance at the corner: 3:54. Still not time to go home.

As if it weren’t hard enough

So, I feel like lately, I have been pushed down and then kicked. Every time I try to do something, it ends up in major FAIL.

I have this project lined up (and I wanna do it so I can use it as blog fodder) to make pomanders. I got the oranges and the cloves and the ribbon and the spices. Most recipes call for sandalwood oil to mix with the spices and roll the oranges in while they’re curing. Well, seems like I can’t find it. Sold out at every friggen’ place I have been to. I ventured to our hippie co-op yesterday and they had huge bottles for exorbitant amounts of money. No thanks. While there and trying to park I stopped for a car to back out. He gets about halfway out and realizes I am too close so as I put it in reverse, an older dude in a Prius turns into our aisle. And he won’t back up. We sat there a good two minutes before I put my car in park, got out, and had to literally tell him to back his ass up. The car pulling out could not get out unless we both moved. This guy had the audacity to tell me to pull up and forget about parking there! Not that it mattered because with the car in front of me halfway out, I couldn’t go around. I had some choice words for that man and then was pissed when I got into the store to find the ass-rape prices on sandalwood oil.

I’ve tried to sit down and write fiction about four times over the last week. Something always comes up. Sometimes purely circumstantial things but usually just stuff I always have to do, like tend to children and cook and clean. You know, the old standards. I shouldn’t be disappointed by this since I know this is to be expected but I seemingly am. Is it wrong of me to be pissed off about this? I mean, am I that selfish? Kind of a disappointing realization that perhaps I AM that selfish.

On that note, Ash is still convinced that we should have more kids. On the one hand, sure, what’s another couple kids? (Excuse me while I laugh uncontrollably over here in the corner. Cue tears and wheezing) His point is that every kid is so different and it’s a miracle to see how they grow and change and take after us and not. And he regales me with these imaginary future holidays when all four of our children come to our house with their families and it’s so full of people and love. Ok, that does sound awfully tempting but right now, the last thing I want to do is give up my body again and then have to regain some semblance of it. With running, I will be in better shape for the next go ’round but still. What will it be like after another two kids? How much can boobs sag? How long before it’s simply impossible to get a relatively flat stomach back without surgery? I don’t know, of course, and I am sure it’s not all that bad but I am still completely and totally terrified.

I think I need a vacation. One with no kids or responsibilities or self-consciousness. Maybe to a place where I can hike in the woods all day and go home to a warm cabin with a fire and a jacuzzi and endless plates of food that I love but never get to eat. Yeah, that’s what I want.

Clarity

I always think that after my grande latte in the morning, the fog will lift and I’ll be better able to focus. There’s a moment about ten minutes after I’ve finished it that I can see where my day is headed and I begin a few projects, understanding exactly what needs to be done and having a good vision of their logistics. However, this week I have been completely lost. Every single day I was confused and unable to process any sort of class plans, etc… It’s sort of unsettling knowing that I’m normally on the ball and very aware of what needs to get done. This week was one big FAIL. Epic fail.

I feel like this is a good analogy for my life as of late. Whenever you have a baby, life gets all wonky and there’s a recovery period. However, I kind of feel like I can’t use that as my excuse now. Isaac has balanced out, sleeps through the night, and I should be back on track. But I’m really not. I don’t get around to doing things anymore. I’m bad about getting laundry folded before the next laundry day rolls around. I’ve lost interest in so many things. I wouldn’t call it a slump but rather, an avoidance of things for lack of energy. Nine o’clock  and I want to climb into bed and bury myself under the covers. The only consistent hobby is reading. And even then I get about five pages in and pass out on my book.  I have no idea how to fix this problem.

Flip-turned upside down

The first week is always slammed, insane, all-out nuts around here. This week has proven to be… not as bad as the past in terms of lost students, big ass problems or flat out break downs. I met with my students on Monday and they’re totally made of awesome. So far anyway. As the semester wears on, even a great class will start to slow down and trudge through the work. We shall see how things go but I’m trying to stay positive.

Last night Ash and I had a long chat about being positive. Mostly as it pertains to my injury. At first, when my knee began to hurt and I was dealing with the harsh reality of not running, I was devastated. My devastation manifested on many different levels. I found myself more cranky and lacking any sort of outlet for pent up rage. Then I sort of felt depressed that I wasn’t actively doing anything and then I felt fat. I was reluctant to even eat. All of these reactions are not what I ought to have done, of course. But it felt so awful to be doing NOTHING. Meanwhile, Ash is out there running 8-9 miles a day (not counting his long on Sunday) and I’m just sitting in bed watching Buffy. It makes me feel like such a loser, even though there’s not a whole lot I can do to make this knee heal any faster than it’s going to.

So I must accept things as they are. For instance, it’s about 3 days from Elliot’s birthday party and not one of those bastard kids from school has RSVP’d. Now, one of them I know won’t be there but the others… no excuse. We went to their snot-nosed kids’ birthday parties and – though I shouldn’t – I expect reciprocation. I’m learning to get over it but I cannot help feeling this way. If none of them show, we have plenty of other people coming who *actually* care about him. He’ll understand. If they show up with RSVP’ing, I’ma cutta bitch. I will cutchew!

I have taken all too long to write this. POST.