The longer I live… the longer I am a homeowner/adult/wife/mom/employee, etc… the more I learn how I feel about my life in general. The day to day minutia can really drag me down if I don’t have certain things I harbor as sacred. And I think that’s why I like to reminisce so much and why I hold so many memories dear to my heart. A lot of people don’t like to think about the past but look to the future. I hold a set of good memories as a salve to heal current wounds.

Most of my autumn memories are just snapshots of a time; I will smell something on the air like burning wood and instantly picture the pot belly stove in the living room of the vacation house my family visited in Western New York. In the evenings, it turned dark very early and we didn’t have a TV that got more than one channel so we worked on jigsaw puzzles and read while my grandpa stoked a fire. He loved to sit and watch a fire burning.

If the air is crisp and cool, I think of the crabapple trees on the property of the Hungry Hollow house (same as above). Their fruit was often on the ground and not very good tasting but we’d pick up the discarded little red apples and fling them into the lake or up into the valley. The ker-plunk sound they made as they landed pierced the country quiet.

Ash and I went to a different movie theater last week and it had a dark, musty smell about it, sending me back to a time we visited NY and my mom convinced me to brave it down to the cellar. I remember standing at the top of the steps leading down into that black nothingness below that smelled of water and darkness and earth. It terrified me.

But everything I took away from those October trips out to the country where solitude reigned and scared this city girl to tears changed the way I saw this time of year. It is comforting in a “things are changing/hunker down for the winter” way. At the same time, Autumn makes me feel a little sad because the year is just about to slip away and what have I done? What did I accomplish this year? I try to make a list, though one list of “things” does not nearly suffice for all that we’ve really done. Just letters making up words making up stuff that no one can truly understand unless you lived it. So the list is for me and to help me get through this dichotomy I deal with every October through December,  just before the New Year comes and renews me for another length of time when I am prepared to go out and do and make the most of my life.

I don’t know why but I thought that would be a good title for a memoir. Like, coming out on the other side of things.

It’s probably already taken. And isn’t that a Steven Seagal movie?

Anyway, this week has been downright HELLISH. The posts I did earlier in the week about the disagreement with my co-workers don’t even begin to explain what all REALLY went down. But at this point, I am so entirely OVER the way this week’s turned out that I can’t bring myself to rehash it. Suffice to say, it’s been wholly unpleasant at work. I’m not one to really feel embarrassed but this week, I was.

Yesterday afternoon, I’d pretty much had enough and I went home at 3, threw on running clothes, and logged my five miles. It was rough though; I guess I hadn’t eaten enough (bagel w/ cream cheese for breakfast, 290 calorie Lean Cuisine for lunch, and some peanuts) so by the halfway point, all I could think about was food. I wanted toast and peanut butter and honey and ice cream. My lower calves ached and my throat was dry and I was never so happy to reach my front door. I walked inside, took off my running shirt, shoes, and ipod, popped some bread in the toaster and doused it in orange blossom honey. Coupled with an Odwalla strawberry protein smoothie, I was immensely sated.

Even though work has been awful, home life has been pretty darn good. Elliot, though going through some awful four year old phase wherein he’s an even bigger asshole than previously thought, has been somewhat bearable. Isaac’s as cute as ever; dinner has gone smoothly all week, and Ash and I have put in some good evening hours with Friends. All in all, my evenings have been therapeutic for my days this week. I even enjoyed laundry because at least no one forgot my food order. or asked if I was “dissin’ them”.

I keep thinking that something great is going to happen really soon because it can only be bad for so long, you know? And these kinds of bad weeks remind me to just be thankful for all I have because – my God – I really am pretty well-off, in the whole big scheme of things.

This weekend, I’ve decided to deflate the pool. Though we’ve had some days in the low 90s, it just doesn’t seem warm enough to fill it in the morning and go for a dip in the afternoon. I think the kids realize this too; they’ve ceased asking to run through the sprinkler after school. Maybe they see the leaves on my lawn as a sure sign that Summer is coming to a close, even if we do live in Florida.

North Florida, in our little pocket of the capital, is a very special place, weather-wise.

See where that arrow is pointing? That’s us: Tallahassee. Now, as far as I can tell, the reason we get really hot highs and pretty cold winters (teens and twenties) is because we’re right between the Jet Stream (blue) and whatever that other white line is. Somehow, that brings the cold air that Northern Georgia gets and dumps it right onto us. And we’re far enough from the coast that we don’t get those breezes. It’s only on occasion that it’s windy in Tally.

I suppose I am ready for the change in seasons, though the week of cool weather we already got sent my sinuses into a frenzy. I couldn’t tell if it was some kind of allergy or what but just the act of bending forward made my face ache. I broke down and purchased a neti pot which, if you don’t know, is basically a watering can for your nose and you rinse with salt water. This keeps your mucous membranes from becoming inflamed and prevents sinus infections, which I am prone to. And – here’s your TMI moment of the day – if I get one of those, they put me on antibiotics, which eventually leads to an infection of another kind that women don’t really like having. SO… you see, I braved the pot.

It’s not altogether unpleasant. You have to hold your head at just the right angle or it’ll go down your throat instead of in one nostril and out the other. In the end, it actually works, though wasn’t worth what I paid.

It’s cloudy today but not supposed to rain. Days like this I wish I could have just stayed home and cleaned instead. In these next few months, I usually feel a dichotomy between the quick tumble towards the end of the year and this feeling like I want to hold onto Fall forever. I always want cool temps and pumpkin spice lattes and playing in the yard all bundled up in sweaters and hats. The air feels so much cleaner and I am overall happier.

I’m not sure this post has a point except to say I’m really sort of anxious to be done with my morning so I can get the car work done this afternoon and then go home. I’ve got one of these:

waiting for me. I’d love it if I could get back before the hubs and kids and I might just kick back, read me a book and drink me a beer. Thanks, Fall. You rock!

In the midst of my subconsciousness, I feel that Summer has been here long enough. It’s like how you know a show you were watching is back from commercial and you can now turn back to that channel. I have a feeling that it’s time for something new. Perhaps it is because in a few short weeks, Fall semester begins once more. And I love the new school year. I’m busy, there’s no time to really think about my own personal problems, and then? The weather changes. I keep wanting to take the kids outside but ten minutes later, when we’re all melting, we retreat back inside, feeling suffocated by the heat.

And I don’t even really mind the heat. But when you can’t be outside very long before being eaten alive, it tends to get a little depressing. I confess to, a few weeks ago, wanting pools and popsicles and long afternoons where we do nothing but get in and out of water, shade, sun. Now, I’d be happy to wake up and find it to be under 85 and maybe a slight bit less humid.  I feel kind of like a traitor. I wanted Summer so badly and now I want nothing more than Fall.

I’m also ready to start making more money here soon. I realize money won’t solve all my problems but it sure as hell will fix a good deal of them. I’ll start yoga again and be able to save. We’ll replace the windows and buy a new dishwasher. The boys will most likely need new Fall/Winter clothes and at least I’ll be able to get some jeans. I get all excited just thinking about it. It’s not so much about saying “Oh, I have so much money.” It’s about feeling comfortable. So if something comes up, it won’t be Crisis Mode. With half-marathon training beginning tomorrow, then a new online school training session later in the week, plus getting ready for Fall semester, I’m going to be very busy. But if I can compartmentalize and know that the financial end of things is squared away, I’ll be much more capable to holding  everything else together.

Much in the same way I feel that Spring brings forth something new and different, I feel like this Fall is about to do the same thing. I feel anxious for something New and Good. I need that in our lives. With the boys becoming so much more able-bodied and human (ha ha) more possibilities open up for us. I’m just ready, so ready for that next thing. Summer is old and tired. Bring on the new. Bring on some illumination.

This happens every summer: I notice a distinct lack of funds and I start scouring the depths of my closets for stuff I can sell. In the case of this year, we’re also trying to get rid of decades worth of stuff that has been sitting in boxes in our garage since Ash’s father stopped paying for the storage area. When he moved across the country, most of their family’s old possessions had been stored and left behind. We ended up with everything he didn’t take or throw out and have been, over the years, chipping away at it.

So I have a bunch of antiques that a woman came out to look at yesterday. She only bought five items but I made a decent amount off of them. Some things went on Craigslist. Some friends at work bought a handful of vinyl records. I am selling things on Ebay and they’re really moving. It has put me in this frame of mind that almost anything – so long as it isn’t busted – has a resale value. So when this kids’ consignment store wouldn’t take my pack ‘n’ play, I got kind of mad. It’s all a racket. They give you a fraction of the value and resell it for way more. Meanwhile, these items have a lot of life left in them but serve no further purpose for me. I  feel like there’s a certain amount of injustice here.

When I stop to think about it, I do have way too much junk. I tend to hold onto things for sentimental value but I also realize there must be a line drawn somewhere. There’s only so many times I am going to read a book. I should get rid of them. Some things from my childhood that I have kept all these years will probably stick around. I really only have a few small boxes of childhood mementos.  But I have to get into that mode of clearing out before I will really do anything about it. But man, stuff can pile up so quickly. Our closets become packed full of things we look at once or twice a year and what for? We, as humans, are just pack rats. We buy  and buy and store and then it gets to a ridiculous point.

I feel really good, though, about moving so much of this out of my house. It also keeps me really busy, which I kind of like. Half the time I’m running around like crazy but I most definitely don’t feel like I’m just sitting around wasting time, which is what ends up happening if I have things to do but nothing pushing me to finish them. Like, say, cleaning. I sort of relish in the frantic nature of the selling process. I suppose if I kept this up, eventually I’d be down to just own the basics, the essentials. And I think my life would be a lot simpler then.