Category Archives: contemplation

Slightly overwhelming

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A few weeks ago, I ran into one of Elliot’s former preschool teachers at the mall. While we caught up, she asked things like if we still had the same jobs, lived in the same place, etc. And I said yes, realizing I prefer stability over radical change these days. Whenever a kid gets sick though, all that is thrown out of whack. Isaac was mostly better yesterday, though napped a lot and didn’t much eat. Elliot, on the other hand, was fine all day but then around dinner, said his stomach hurt and then he commenced with the puking. Just once though and he took a bath and went to bed. He was fine all night and woke up this morning feeling normal, so he says. And Isaac woke up STARVING so that’s a good sign.

I’m glad it happened this week and not next; next week we leave for Orlando to stay in a swanky hotel. Although, I will still have work to do while there so I have no idea how that’s going to work. It’ll be me and the kids in the room while Ash is working; it’s for a conference. However, I think my parents will come over for one of the days and then on Friday, in the afternoon, we’re taking the kids to Magic Kingdom. THAT is when I will forget I even have all these jobs and just enjoy life for a bit.

It’s going to be crazy, I fear, once this new baby arrives. Though maybe not; maybe this time it’ll be so old hat we’ll all adjust just fine. That would be nice. I keep having slight panic attacks about all the things that come along with a new baby but I really don’t know why. Half of them weren’t even bad with Isaac. I.E. lack of sleep. You just resign yourself to the fact that babies need to eat all the damn time and your body adjusts. I can’t tell you how many people thought it was insane that I was the only one who got up when a kid needed to eat. Until men have the ability to lactate, then that is how it is. I wouldn’t choose formula over BFing just so it would be “fair”. Ash helped out big time when Isaac was born and I have no doubt he’ll really play a large part in keeping the boys happy while I focus on Baby Girl. Who, by the way, had three names in the running but since two have been ruled out, I am pretty sure we’re going with our original frontrunner: Olivia.

This summer will be busy getting her room ready and generally rearranging our house/lives, but the Fall will be equally crazy. A lot of things are up in the air, especially my parents’ situation. As mentioned before, my dad’s been out of a job for a while. But my mother only recently found out her position at the private school was not renewed. She has been with them in some capacity since about 1995 so it kind of sucks. Meanwhile, my dad’s been applying for a million jobs but has finally resigned himself to applying here in Tallahassee. He made first cut on a city job and has a second interview at Bass Pro Shop this coming Monday. I think it would be really good if they moved here. Though we’d lose that Orlando connection, my parents need to do what they can to be pulling in money.

I have always wondered what it would be like to have family in the same town. My sister lived here for one year, a while ago. We saw each other – maybe – once every two weeks, if that. I would like the bonuses my parents would bring for the kids: picking them up from school if we ever needed them to, emergency babysitter, and just the time they’d get to spend with them. I’d say now, with them four hours way, we see them once every month or two. It’s a good time away but the kids and my parents really benefit. My mother and I already talked about ground rules anyway; no stopping by any time you want. There have to be boundaries. But again, overall, it’s a great chance to be closer to family.

I’m really hoping something pans out for them. I know they have struggled for a long time now and it’s time they got a break. When you’re my parents’ ages, you should be thinking about retirement!

So yeah, lots of changes, lots of things just going on in general: birthday parties, beach trips, friends moving away, babies being born. It’s a turbulent time but for the most part, we’ve found our stride and we are stable.

Putting out fires but where’s MY fireman?

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Monday began book orders for my entire department and since the system is new, no one knew what they were doing. Not only that, but the first person in charge was – conveniently – not at work. The second in command, also mysteriously absent. I then trained another coworker on the ins and outs of said system. Then I proceeded to do my own damn work. And I worked all evening – at home. The week has been exceedingly busy and I came home from yoga last night to find that Isaac had a slight lapse in his spotless potty training record for the week, Ash was in a funk about a work problem, and Elliot was bitching and moaning as usual.

I got the laundry started and the kids clean and dried.

After shuffling them off to bed, I ate my Publix sub and we watched Life of Pi, which was a good movie for the moment; made me remember to be thankful. Ash’s problem averted (with the help of a margarita or two… but mission accomplished.)

I thought it was Thursday all day yesterday. Today, my mind gets to relive Thursday all over again. Elliot woke up with some intestinal distress then followed it up with his most negative attitude and complaints of still being tired after 10 hours of sleep. Kid, most adults would kill for 10 hours; shut up. By the time he left my car and stood at the corner near the crossing guard. I think he was awake (mostly) and feeling better.

Seriously considering just picking up Boston Market for dinner. Not only do I not want to cook, but we may all need some comfort food. And maybe just watch a movie tonight. I need someone to come to my rescue; to quell all my fears and anger and tell ME it’s going to be alright.

I’ll settle for a coffee and donut. Yeah, that makes everything better.

Drowning, waving, whatever

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This week’s theme: just keep my head above water. Thank GOD Ash comes home today. It hasn’t been HARD, per se, but it’s been a long five days with just me and the boys. We’ve made it though; he comes home tonight. The hardest part is having my brain in ON mode for that many hours a day. And for anyone who has been pregnant, the term “pregnancy brain” is totally a true thing. So not only is my gray matter in a state of flux and not altogether present, I have had to make it so.

I had final papers in a Lit class to grade, grammar tests in a comp class to grade, teaching and papers that my face-to-face class turned in (though I totally have not graded those) and I am wrestling with the new course management system for my normal job. My head has felt like it was about to explode pretty much all week. My decompression time has been in the car on the 10-15 minutes drive to retrieve the children, but then that’s over and it’s back to being ON.

The problem I now encounter with all these side jobs, is that it doesn’t actually END. If it did, I’d be stressing because that means the money would then end. And even though I make it a point not to work on them over the weekend,  i go back to being slammed at the beginning of each week. I guess what I need is a vacation  though I am afraid of the post-vacation blues I’ll inevitably feel once it’s over. My plan was to get to St. George Island this weekend, though Sunday will be warmer than Saturday and I doubt we’ll have time for that drive, after the few Easter things we actually do (baskets, egg hunt in the yard).

There’s no tee ball so at least the day is free. My plan is to actually relax and not feel like the dino below. My entire life lately feels exactly like him!

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I’ve been lookin’ for you, baby

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*Kenny Chesney song

So I had a dream that our daughter had been born – in fact, she was about six months old – and she was pretty cute, though blond. Which would probably not happen as no one in our family is. It’s always weird to dream of someone who has not yet been seen or realized; the thing inside me is still faceless and a non-entity (as far as I’m concerned; don’t go getting into weird fetus/abortion issues now!) It’s the only thing I can do: imagine what this child will be like. I only know what features  boys of our lineage will posses.  What will our little girl look like? I have a friend whose daughter looks just like her dad, which is weird because at four, she has a very masculine face… with blond curly hair. My children have each looked squished and scrawny in the first few weeks but then evened out to be really cute. Though, I am pretty sure moms are biased. It’s nature so we don’t kill and/or eat them.

Here’s Elliot when new and then six months later:
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See? Much cuter.

And new baby Isaac and six months later:

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Aww, lookit that little pumpkin!

I had a moment during yoga last night; we were entering the deep relaxation phase – in savasana – and as I slipped further into my own subconscious, I realized how much I will get to share with a daughter that I cannot with my boys. If and when she has her own children, we can share in that feeling of pregnancy. And maybe even labor. (My own mother had to have two c-sections due to breach babies and she didn’t even see either of us until 12-24 hours after we were born.) That feels sacred to me. Even when my boys grow up and possibly become dads, they won’t be a part of that process of incubating a child. There will always be a disconnect. But maybe with a daughter I can experience this.

That was the main point I realized when we found out it was a girl: now I get to experience having both genders and just understanding what that’s like as a parent. I felt truly blessed when I had two healthy boys. When I finally wanted children, I knew I wanted boys. And I got them. Now I get this added bonus and I feel so gifted. I am trying not to think about all the tiny things. I mean, three children will move us from man defense to zone and oh, when this baby is about 2-3, we are IN FOR IT. They’ll gang up on us, factions will be formed. I may need more pedicures and massages and iced coffee trips. But it’s going to be pretty damn awesome too. I know it.

Who said moms were sane?

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I always thought it might be nice – or interesting – to go see a therapist. I used to (lapse sometimes still) have major anger issues. These stem from my father and his father before him and in my 20s, I was so ashamed to admit that I was doing the exact same things he did. But after having children, it is even more apparent and sobering… so I am more aware of my short fuse and quick temper; I hate to see the looks on my kids’ faces when I yell at them. But with that mostly in check, I feel like a fairly balanced person. But lately, with this pregnancy, I keep falling into these horrible episodes of feeling defeated by it. And I am only 16 weeks!

For a brief moment, my world speeds up, like pressing fast forward on an old tape deck – I can hear and see all these things going so fast and then – bam! – I’m in labor. You’d think this would be a good thing, considering that would indicate the end of the pain. You’d think I’d be ok with it considering this is my third rodeo and geez, no big deal. But no, it feels like I am dying; like the world is just about to end. It’s so dire and downright scary. I don’t know why I panic all of a sudden; I am not prone to panicking. No, my descent into this defeatist attitude is awful. But, as suddenly as it comes on me, it is gone and I go back to feeling semi-normal again. That’s one of the funniest things about pregnancy: there are moments when you have no idea who you are, simply by the fact that you’re a temporary incubator.

I need something new to get into. When I was pregnant with Isaac, I got back into actively reading and collecting comic books. This kept me busy and gave me a focus other than parenting while pregnant and the overwhelming fear of becoming a mother of two. I don’t have much right now other than my Belly Book and my blog. And I guess I have been reading but it’s not that exciting.  I thought about food blogging but I don’t want to take on something I can’t see through. I would go on long hiatuses like most of the other local foodies and that’s not what I want.  It shouldn’t be that hard to come up with interests; how sad is my life if I can’t even think of things I like?

SO, goals for the end of the weekend are as follows: mow the lawn, get rid of sore throat, SLEEP, and find one new hobby.

As a baby is made

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My stomach was doing this weird gurlgy things yesterday, ever since I woke up. I forced down some Tums but the chalky consistency sort of made me want to hurl. Normally I can stomach those, knowing they’re going to help. Luckily, I am coming out of my first trimester; I was 12 weeks yesterday. I love the second trimester! I know that sounds rather odd but I find myself having more energy and desire to get things done. I’m going to need it too; I am overwhelmed by work. There’s just an enormous amount of grading to do and it’s unrelenting. Week after week it’s always there. I know I chose this, but still. I don’t know of a lot of other jobs where there’s always something like that. Students are always turning things in late and it’s there, for me, always waiting to be returned. This doesn’t even count all the email questions and misunderstandings on their part. Those are always present as well.

I keep being not pregnant for just long enough that I’d forgotten all the weird things about it. Some days I am just not myself and I want nothing more than to hide. My mind feels blank; I’m neither involved or creative or even aware. It’s an odd sort of nothingness and I wish I could explain it better than that.

I want to lay in the sun on a blanket by the ocean and just be. I’m tired of cold and work and noise. My brain hurts. Creating a life is so much damn work, I tell you. Being a vessel to this blossoming thing that has so many ridiculously small functions going on is exceptionally draining. I’m not exceedingly tired like I was in weeks past but yet, if I get in bed at 8:30, I will fall asleep. I think it’s boredom but I don’t FEEL tired at that moment.

Then, the next day, I’ll be back to “normal”; aware, motivated, useful. I had a ton of emails to send that I was putting off; DONE. I am about to grade a bunch of papers and mark that off my list. It’s so nice to feel this way. In 40 minutes I go facilitate a workshop for my face to face class. Then I’m free for the rest of the day to get my other job obligations done. It’s a never-ending cycle.

When I get home, I hang up my teacher/admin hat and put on the mommy one. I have to go to the store for some essentials and make dinner. Then it’s homework and baths and try to squeeze in Jeopardy and maybe actually read a little. I’m almost to the end of The Hobbit and dammit, I am going to finish that book this week if it kills me.

I keep dreaming of some kind of getaway but I know it’s a long time off. I have to just buckle down and keep plugging away and all those other cliches about hard work. Some day, I know it will pay off.

The drudgery of the early year

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I woke up in a total fog, some of my stomach pain from the night before still residual. With Isaac, my stomach always hurt. Again, I have the same sorts of issues. My shower woke me slightly; I used this shower gel I swiped from my mother: Bath-Body-Works-Signature-Vanilla-Collection-Spring-2012

I don’t typically like sweet smelling bath stuff but this berry one is really good. Once done there, I ate a piece of wheat bread with butter to stave off any morning sickness. It worked for a little while but by the time I had dropped off the kids and was walking into work in this misty fog, I felt the nausea returning.

Fire up the computer and eat my turkey sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit (home made!) and check email. Open various windows but check twitter, tumblr, favorite sites. Can’t get started. Call it pregnancy distraction or fear of all the massive amounts of work or what have you, but I get like this and I hate it. I have so many intentions of working today, I do. And it will get done but this morning, all I want to do is sit. I walked across campus for a training session yesterday and walking back to my car, I realized how much my back hurts. I feel out of shape and flabby. I know it’s the pregnancy talking but still, I need to kick it back into gear.

I remembered this morning that we have a 3 day weekend coming up. I’m pretty excited about it because Ash isn’t running this week so we are already doing more family stuff as it is. Maybe we’ll walk in the woods or  clean up the yard or finally get our garage door fixed. I need to feel productive in those ways again. The holidays really put so much of that on hold.

I always feel this way in January; must break out of this. Waiting for this month to be over. I am ready to lay in the sun, enjoy spring temperatures, and be happy again.

ETA: http://981thehawk.com/most-depressing-week-of-the-year/. I feel so justified now!

Full moon and road rage

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According to the lunar calendar, today is a full moon. I fully believe that the crazies come out on this day. I also believe weird and mysterious things occur. For starters, I ordered a grande latte this morning and they made me a venti; sweet! On the other hand, I had a run-in with another driver and now I am a little worried.

I was turning from one road to another and the car in front of me had a green arrow. I waited, not in a hurry. But the car was not moving. So, I gave a little horn tap; a “hey, you could go now; the light’s been green for a full five seconds.” The (obviously) girl driver rolled her window down, gave me the finger, then slowed down and tapped her brakes a few times. Not wanting to put my kids in danger, I went around her but she sped up to stop me, which is ridiculous. At the next light, she honked at me the second it turned. Sigh.

I was not mad but scared. What if that girl is a nut job? I mean, she had a Florida Gators license plate frame (mistake #1!) and a “hollatachagirl” sticker, which implies to me she might be between the ages of 19 and 24. I know I should probably just let it go but our town only has 200,000 people. There’s an OK odds at her being behind me at some point and recognizing my car. Though, I am sure most people will go about their day simply pissed off about the traffic altercation and be done with it. The rest of my drive was peppered with people making illegal turns and not going when they needed to and a general unease about the road. I was thankful to make it to my office.

I have witnessed the affects of the full moon before. When I worked at CompUSA, the weirdos came out in droves on that day. One particular full moon, an older gentleman walked up to the return counter with a keyboard at least ten years old. He said he wanted us to give him a replacement and of course, I explained that it’s not an item that comes with a replacement plan and furthermore, it was simply old, not new and defective. When my answer didn’t appease him, he walked into the general manager’s office and proceeded to bash the keyboard on the corner of my boss’s big mahogany desk. Pieces of plastic and springs flew everywhere and my manager ended up grabbing the guy by his shirt and tossing him out.

I don’t know what it is and I haven’t done that much reading about the moon and tides and all that hippie stuff but man, I believe it makes people just a leeetle off their rockers that day.

Have you ever found this to be true?

Flawless

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The other night, I was waiting for my Robitussin to kick in but couldn’t find sleep. I was trying not to think about all the weird noises in the house that only make me paranoid at 12:17 AM. As my mind started to drift, I concocted this idea of the Perfect Day and what it would be like. Really, it began with a random flash of the ye olde Borders, which I whole-heartedly miss going to. So I fantasized about my perfect day, with Borders being a part of it.

For starters, I’d wake up feeling more refreshed than I can ever remember. I don’t creak and pop with each movement up from the mattress. Next, I would take a fabulous shower; steamy and soothing,maybe with one of those Sudacare tablets that opens your airways (that I can’t seem to find in stores anymore.) Then, feeling clean and fit (I’d feel super thin on my perfect day) I’d go into the kitchen and make the perfect cup of coffee and have a bowl of grits with a pat of butter then topped with a runny fried egg, because that is my all-time favorite breakfast. My day would be leisurely. I have not figured out where my children are at this point but my guess is that Ash has taken them to school and gone to work. In my dreams, anything is possible.

I remember being in and out of sleep at this point and trying to imagine what the rest of this day would be like. vague visions came to mind: the best lunch EVER (possibly a big cheeseburger) and shopping with no money limit or guilt and maybe a pedicure that lasted for hours Then I felt guilty for not wanting to share my perfect day with the boys. So somewhere in there I took them to a park and they were exceedingly well-behaved.

My day was capped off by a trip to Borders at dusk, wherein I browsed the shelves, bought five or six romance novels that I am dying to read, getting a latte in the cafe, and buying little novelty toys before checking out.

I’d go home to a warm house and cuddly children, a loving husband who prepares my nightly tea and covers me with soft blankets on the couch. We’d watch TV together, put the kids to bed, then drift off to sleep. Actually, if we’re really talking PERFECT, it would be Christmastime so my living room with glow with the lights of the tree.

SO, what would your perfect day be like? Feel free to share with me.

Slow down, think, feel, breathe

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We booked our Chicago hotel this morning and now I am hardcore thinking about Christmas. I know I shouldn’t; I want to keep thinking Thanksgiving and just enjoying this cooler weather. I keep playing this song:

and I feel that mellow coziness that comes with this time of year. I have resolved not to stress at all. Ok, I may stress some, but less than I usually do. I don’t need to feel rushed and crazy about shopping and meals and family. I’ll try my hardest not to worry about driving across the middle of this country with two kids.

But first, I’ll focus on the sights and smells of the season. Nights have been cool here and those Floridians lucky enough to have a fireplace have been gracing me with that wonderful wood-burning scent.

In the meantime, I am enjoying hot apple cider or lemon tea at night (mostly to ease this scratchy throat; darn winter colds), the beautiful leaves that you wouldn’t think we’d get in Florida, but we do. The trees along my running route are all yellow and red, though most have dropped most of their foliage by now.

The air feels cleaner when it’s cool like this. I feel like I can breathe better, though I have been getting sick for a few days now. I wake up and my throat is fine but by day’s end, it’s really sore and feels like someone tried to choke me out. Everyone in the house has some kind of cough; it’s definitely time to break out the humidifier for the kids’ room.

I really appreciate the changes that the world goes through at this time of the year; it almost makes me more motivated to change myself in certain ways. I have been working on my calmness. I tend to overreact to things the kids do and get very uptight. Last night was the perfect example: Ash asked me to get the kids so he could get a haircut but I also had to get my new glasses from Costco. Took the kids with me and we got the glasses and a chicken. Isaac was a hot mess in the store and he melted down as soon as we got back outside. I still had to go to Publix and made the mistake of stopping into the one on the way home, which will be closing shortly because a new store is opening across the street. They had neither of the two things I needed for dinner so I hauled the kids back into the car, sunlight fading, and took them to yet another store, after a long day of daycare/school and no snack. I did manage to get them cookies at the final stop and we got home at almost 6. THEN I started dinner. They were whiny, I was tired and grumpy, but I still got dinner on the table and right before Ash got back from his torturous seven mile hill run. BUT, I was angry and stressed the whole time. Once I finished though, I breathed a sigh of relief and sat down with my nightly tea.

Life seems so busy this time of year but if I can eke out a half hour each night for something calming for myself, then I think I’m doing ok. And I’ll just keep listening to my Christmas music, even though it’s way ahead of time. Because it makes me happy.