Random (Talk to us) Tuesday – Contemplative and Shtuff


Stacy

Seriously Shawn

Ok folks, I promise to comment today, unlike last week.

  • This week will be a one-day-at-a-time kind of pace or else I will seriously lose my mind. Although I have to say, I feel a lot more clear-headed than I did last week. I seriously forgot about five things and that is rare for me. I was juggling too many balls and I dropped them. And it wasn’t in comedic clown fashion either.
  • All I ever want to eat lately are cheese and crackers. Specifically, cheddar on Triscuits. I don’t know what it is but I cannot get enough. And I haven’t wanted other foods, though I eat plenty of things. Last night, the kids had popcorn chicken and barbecue sauce and though I hardly ever eat BBQ sauce, I was really into it. My food tastes go in very weird cycles. Right now, I’d really love a chocolate chip muffin.
  • Though this is more of a Friday Confessional piece, I have to tell you that I started to freak out when Ash wasn’t home at a reasonable time on Saturday. I started thinking about how to contact the Coast Guard and the fact that I had no float plan so the only thing I knew was that it was 4 guys who put their boat in the water in Panacea. I kept putting together stupid little things like how bad stuff happens in threes and I know two people who have died recently so there was THAT. Then, oh, I don’t know… I started thinking the worst. What would I do if he died? It was a really low moment for me and I felt a wee bit stupid when he finally did call (see, I’d called him but it went straight to voice mail. No service or at the bottom of the Gulf??) and told me they were fine and driving back. OF COURSE they were but you know, I have to freak out sometimes. It’s how I stay balanced.
  • Elliot went with me to the store yesterday and randomly he asked, “Remember when we went to the pet store and that one fish was dead? Why did he die?” And I told him it was natural causes and that fish don’t live very long. And he asked if he was going to die. And then he thought about it. And then he started to understand. See, earlier, he saw Ash’s gun in the closet and we explained to him why we have it (“Is it for monsters?” “No, for things far worse than monsters.”) and we said it could kill him if he messed around with it. So this on top of our discussion led to him being very sombre and then, quietly, “Mommy, I don’t want to die.” And this is when I had to stop talking about it because for as long as I can remember, I have had panic attacks when I think about death. It’s not always; like, right now, I’m totally OK typing this. But as he said that in such a tiny innocent voice, I lost it. The inevitable hopelessness took over and I told him he’d have to talk to daddy about that. Mommy is strong in many ways but not there, son. Not there.
  • SO, ::clap clap:: this has been depressing. But my life’s been hectic and overwhelming and made me realize that sometimes, I like the day to day routine and the mundane tasks and just plodding along through work and home life without any mishaps or insanity. And though almost of the busyness has come from fun activities, it’s still been a lot to handle.
  • I didn’t have time to run at all last week. I ran Sunday and then again this past Sunday. One week in between! My muscles had begun to atrophy so I was sore but I knew I had to get in a run because I have been, well, not so good about eating healthy foods. My Sunday run was a good one; sometimes first thing in the morning I’m still so zombiefied that I’m not thinking about all the peripheral junk that can ruin a run. As I was on my way back, somewhere in mile 3 of 5, I realized one of the reasons I do love running. See, Ash and I have this joke about how I love to struggle. I feel like if I don’t struggle through something then maybe it’s not worth doing. With running, you struggle then get a big payoff in the end. The satisfaction of finishing a race is like nothing else I have experienced.
  • These entries have been really long, haven’t they?
  • In trying to come up with a short one, I actually sat and stared at my computer for a god solid minute, but nothing came to mind. But the brief zone-out was sort of nice.
  • WELL, better cut it off because I’ve probably bored you to tears. To make up for it, this is my humble offering. Overalls have been out of style for decades but, well, he makes them look good.