I didn’t feel so hot about being a mom this morning, after I got really fed up with Elliot in the car. All I asked was for him to strap himself into his seat and his whining and protesting just set me off. I had to stop the car (we were in the neighborhood still) and compose myself. After Sunday being mother’s day and all, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being the mom I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be angry with him. I don’t want my anger to infuse itself into his psyche so early on. My father was that way my entire childhood and I know it’s done things to me mentally that I cannot help; they’re deeply ingrained now. All I can do is be aware and make strides to be different than that. I look back at Elliot’s newly buzzed head and his ears that stick out just a little too much; his sad eyes that indicate he doesn’t know why I’m even mad. I tear up a little. Being a mother is so complicated.
Mortgage, gas bill, utilities, pest control annual bill, swim lessons, daycare, car insurance, groceries, dogs need shot, my car needs both tires and brakes, the A/C is old and we worry it could die any day, this list goes on an on. I think what I’m getting at is that this whole being an adult thing means my brain is overfull of so many THINGS. I have all the above on my mind at all times PLUS going to work and juggling all those ideas, tasks, worries. Then there’s the mundane like laundry and making sure lunches are made and the kids get washed somewhat often enough and the dogs have food and water and the flowers don’t die and somewhere in there, I’d like to do one tiny thing for myself. And spend some time with my husband too.
For a brief moment yesterday, I got a reprieve. I went and saw Thor in 3-d Imax. We saw it Friday too. But this was for me. I sat in the very middle of the theater and I drank a Coke Zero. I reveled in the movie and the fact that I was by myself. Moreso than that, I was calm and relaxed because I knew the boys were taken care of at home. And when I got back, everyone was napping and then in the late afternoon, we packed up water bottles and snacks and walked the boys in the double stroller 1.8 miles to the park. It was kind of hot but we took a shady neighbourhood route so it was bearable. I want to do more outdoorsy things like that with them. Even though pushing the stroller sucked (we took turns) and I sweat a ton, I was – for the first time all weekend – truly at peace.
I need to try harder to remember what really matters. On Saturday I was watching Mr. Mom on TV and there’s a line where Michael Keaton tells Terri Garr that she once gave him great advice: that it’s really easy to forget what you have. So don’t. Yeah, that about sums it up.
Ell’s military debut
Happy Monday, readers. I appreciate you all. Even when you come on a non-meme day. That makes me the most happy.