Not myself


Pretty much ever since last Wednesday, I have not felt… right. I have felt outside myself, looking in. That was when the cramps started, the bleeding. I carried on; drove, visited family, ate well, tanned. I got home without the Boy and missed him. There was an actual physical ache when I thought about Elliot and even though I knew he’d be back in a mere day, I was surprised that I had such a reaction. And as stated in a prior blog post, I was ill, so ill. My stomach rumbled and bubbled every time I ate. So I ate sparingly, only when I absolutely felt like I needed sustenance. And all of these things combined made for a very rough week.

But today, ahh, today I feel… renewed. I don’t know what changed; maybe the fact that I got to work out for an entire 30 minutes last night. Good hard working out that sweat any bad stuff right out of me. I may be now caught up on sleep and that too helps. Whatever the answer, it was right.

But Elliot, oh Elliot. Though he may be a month away from two, he is an entirely different kid these days and in his case, this is an amazingly good thing. There was a time, when he was small, when every single day I found something to be stunned by. He rolled over and my heart fluttered. There was a new spark of understanding in his eye and I felt closer to this little alien creature that had emerged from my very own body. But then, once we got the routine down, once he was steadily walking and being just a kid, I think I kind of lost that excitement. The newness of him had gone away and we were just living as a family, enjoying it all. But within the last couple weeks, I think that feeling has been renewed. He understands and knows so much now.

He listens and interacts and loves. That, to me, is the biggest and most wonderful breakthrough. The kid can understand love and gives it, freely. I feel like he connects with me on another level now. I was keeping a journal for a while, tracking his milestones and advances, but I lost track, got into other things. And now that we’re trying to have another baby, I sometimes feel guilty for not appreciating what I have. Of course I love him and know that Elliot is one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. But I’m still wanting. And feeling bad for it. Perhaps it is natural. Perhaps it is the most selfless act to create a sibling, for it is a gift for Elliot.

*SIGH*

After feeling all sick and angsty, I think I am finally back on track. I hope everyone else is doing alright. I’m under the impression it’s the summertime that makes me, and a lot of other people I know, feel so lackadaisical. And it hasn’t even been that hot. But summer has a way of oppressing us, even if we don’t realize it. So, like the cheesy cat on a tree poster from your high school guidance office: Hang in there!

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