Musings

I have felt… less than self aware lately. Possibly after the Great Poison Ivy Debacle of ’08 I really had hit rock bottom. It sucked the life out of the Smith household and we’ve struggled to recover. Though, we’ve been doing a fairly good job. Day to day life is good. Crazy, stressful and rushed, but good. We have our ups and downs but doesn’t everyone? Last night, Ash was feeling sort of sad because he’s reading this book where the main character goes through some really horrible stuff but regardless, the author endears you to the characters so much that it has really gone to Ash’s head. It is subconsciously depressing him. (Much like the way Prep did for me, though no one was tortured in that book.) Anyway, Ash asked me what my one goal was right now.

And I had to really think. I don’t know if there is ONE thing I am focused on right now. I told him being a good mom/wife, probably because it’s my number one priority. But he wondered why I didn’t have one main thing I was working towards so that once I attained it, I could choose another and begin again. He says he guesses it’s a male thing to do this but I am guessing it’s an individual thing. I am sure a lot of people find that they work best when their to-do list has but one item on it. Then once that is crossed off, they start a new list, item one. I do this at work sometimes but in my home life, there’s just too many side dishes on the plate to have a main course all by itself.

With that said, I used to have “becoming a teacher” nestled right up under “mom/wife”. It was so close that they were almost tied for first. But as this recession has taken hold and Leon county’s education budget has plumetted (Thanks, Crist), I have fallen further and further away from that goal. In fact, I hardly even think that I want to teach anymore. Sure, I still am. Out of the kindness of my boss’s heart, she lets me teach one of our department’s online classes. It sort of goes under the radar for the most part. The higher ups barely know I do it. And I plug away and glide along, doing the same old same old. And I get paid. But I don’t think I even enjoy it anymore. I find myself reluctant to even go to my class’s site and update, though I know I HAVE to. It isn’t a choice; it’s my job. And I owe it to these kids. But there’s definitely a lack of drive to care.

I still browse the Leon County Schools website and apply to English teacher jobs that pop up. But I think my friend, B, said it best when she told me that all her friend who teach high school got the job by either knowing someone or by being a substitute teacher. I cannot be a sub because I work full-time and the only other person I knew who was teaching high school here a.) taught at a school I am less than thrilled to even apply to and b.) is now in prison. SO, might as well hand me the red marker now and I will cross off that #2 on my list.

It’s tough now with a toddler (OMG did you know he’s a toddler? He’s actually 13 months TODAY) and the holidays upcoming, Ash’s next baby plan in full swing (he wants to Begin Again after Christmas), and just all the STUFF that goes along with being a parent and a home owner and a full time employee. I know this sounds a lot like whining (someone call the Wahmbulance) but I am full up, overworked, tired, and in need of a vacation.

Oh wait, we leave for Chicago in 10 days. That’s right pity me, I mean, envy me.

I’m hoping this vacaction is just what the doctor ordered.

What’s on your big to-do list? Just one thing or several?

Monday Monday, comes around again

I I know you’re still out there, reading. And that’s why I keep writing. Even though I feel like maybe this is all for not. I’ll keep doing it… for you.

ANYway, the weekend wasn’t as good as, I suppose, it possibly could have been but for the most part, I enjoyed it. The highlights:

  • Saturday afternoon, Elliot and I went to the mall where I got a coat for Chicago and some new Fall tarts from Yankee candle. I burned one in the late afternoon, with the windows open.
  • Sunday morning we went to Jenny’s for breakfast and sat outside.
  • We then went to the park where Elliot had a blast.
  • Football sucked – I chose Denver in a league in which I wagered $$. Denver, bite me.
  • I am on day 8 of 30 Day Shred and I am already feeling a difference in my muscle tone.

I got a bit of reading done and I do believe I caught part of the debate, though it bored me to tears. I was more interested in that little “interest tracker” at the bottom of the screen. Soon as McCain began speaking, it dipped immensly. Yeah, that’s about as much interest as I have in this entire thing.  I’m voting; I know who I am voting for. I have read just enough to know why I have chosen the right candidate for me. Beyond that, politcal debates, be it on TV between runners or between people I know with opposing views just suck the life right out of me. I don’t have it in me to argue or even talk about the issues. It’s not that I don’t care; it’s that there’s never a happy ending or solution.

And that’s what I have to say about the presidential election.

Weather is a bit warmer today but it was still cool at night and this morning.

And that’s al I have for you today.