Blast from the past

Do you want to see me when I was about 19/20? I’ll warn you: I was one confused and lost little person back then. But I was myself, always. It’s just that the self I was then was hiding some of the truer things I am today. As I looked at some of these pictures, it didn’t even feel like I was looking at me. Very weird.

Pretending we were Crocodile Hunters, we’d wrestle the inflatable gator and talk in Aussie accents.

I liked the blur. I don’t even remember going to this park and having water gun fights. I bet it was fun though.

The three girls were my roommates and the thinner guy is Matt. Chris, who is getting married really soon (!!) is there as well. We hung out a lot and this is when we went to a jazz concert at a botanical garden.

I like looking back now and then to remind myself of how young I was, and carefee. And angsty. And nervous. And silly. And blind. But this all helps me move forward too. It’s all part of me. I’m not ashamed.

Day 107 – x365 (and some content)

Hmm let’s see now. Think, Claire, think. This 365 people thing is beginning to get difficult!

I just sat here for 20 minutes and can’t think of anyone!

I read an interview with Shia LeBeouf.

I drank 5 sips of water.

I graded two essays.

I checked and double-checked the clock.

Chewed on a cuticle.

Opened a picture from my desktop of my son.

Blinked.

Sniffed.

Wrote:

Drew – friend of a roommate

Another gay guy with whom my roommate fell madly in love. You led her on, made her believe. You bastard. You just don’t do that to someone you like.

Photos fill in the gaps

I really have quite a lot to do this morning so here are some camera phone photos as of late:

A project I am working on

He’s TOO mobile

It’s hot out here but I’m alright… I’m alright.

Some nice landscaping along a busy road

A pile of change I found on this planter

E being cute, as always.

Things I wish I could quit

Ok, for one, I wish I didn’t use that title because I feel like I’m not doing it justice. I just can’t sit through Brokeback Mountain, despite my undying need to see the hot man on man action I heartell about. It has something to do with Heath Ledger being dead and all, and something to do with how thick molasses slow the movie is. I wish I could just turn to the channel either right as they’re out in the wilderness feeling all angsty or to the moment of the line, “I can’t quit you.” Because then I’d at least feel fulfilled in some way. Ok, enough about this. The point of this entry was to pinpoint some things I wish I could stop doing. Some of them I do and don’t even realize it. Some I just can’t seem to stop because I have a rationale – it’ll make sense as I go along.

  • Stop picking up a breakfast sandwich. Sure, eggs are good for you and so is the ham. But I know my arteries tighen just a smidgen each day I make this little side-step on my way to work.
  • Stop feeling angry and wishing evil upon people who do wrong by me. Example: two business women were approaching the crosswalk downtown as I drove through this morning. They paused, looked at the light about to turn green, and WAITED until the hand was red before crossing right in front of my car, my light green. I wanted so much to see them have the worst day EVER, and I need to stop harboring such thoughts.
  • Stop feeling guilty about wanting to make food for dinner that Ash doesn’t eat. If I were to make some chicken and veggies, he’d have to make his own meal. And I feel like I’m shirking my wifely duties.
  • Stop biting my cuticles. My nails I seem to leave alone these days but I nervously chew at the tiny crescents of flesh surrounding said nails whenever I get anxious or bored.
  • Stop procrastinating. At work. At home. Stop making excuses for not just getting down to business. I always feel so much better once the task is done; why can’t I just jump in?
  • Stop feeling guilty for buying clothes and/or things we actually need. We only have one set of sheets for our bed and I am always doing laundry. I could use some new clothes and shoes. But I feel nad for spending money on these kinds of things. Why??

So there you have it. I think about this stuff a lot actually and try to make a conscious effort to calm the hell down and make some changes in myself. It’s actually harder than it sounds, you know?

Day 106 – x365

Alma – neighbourhood girl

I was weirded out by your foul mouthed brother, overweight dad who wore nothing but underwear, and your tiny tiny dog named Conan. But you were my friend anyway.

Day 105 – x365

Keith H. – Co-worker from Comp

When you’d come over to drink beer with Steve we ended up talking about work. You always flirted way too much and I guess that was your inevitable downfall.

11 months

It is late evening, around 7 or so but the sun still shines just over the crest of trees across the street. I cannot help myself – I open the blinds as full as they can go and bathe the room in afternoon’s orange glow. Ash says that it raises our electric bill but he knows that won’t stop me. I love it too much. In the nursery, toys are scattered about recklessly. There are some rattles shaped like seahorses – to fit our undersea creatures motif – that no longer interest him. He prefers the bright yellow pieces of the Shape ‘n’ Sort. He now understands that they go inside the ball, but cannot quite match up a shape to its hole. The soft blocks still captivate him if only for a moment, as he bites into the flexible rubber, then tosses it aside, as far as he can throw it. Another one of his new-found abilities. How far can this be thrown? If I drop this toy, will mom keep picking it up? If I drop this Cheerio, which one of the dogs will scarf it down? The synapses must be rapid-firing in his little brain, for I can see him learning and connecting and understanding each and every day.

Elliot, you are 11 months old now and you have come so far. When, at your nine month appointment I got all up in arms because you were small and possibly developmentally delayed, everyone said to wait. Be patient. He’ll get there. You have created a pattern of starting slow then taking off like a rocket. When your friend, a mere 2 weeks younger, began crawling, you would only seal flop. When she began pulling up and cruising, you were still working on balancing while sitting upright. Then, out of nowhere, you pulled up on each and every thing around you with deft skill, with confidence and a strong will that you must have acquired from your father.

I feel like time has gone slowly, yet quickly, as if that were even possible. I used to: go to work, come home, make dinner, watch TV, snuggle with husband, and go to sleep, all to begin again the next day. I had purpose but it was simplistic at best. My life is so full of purpose now I don’t know where to begin. I can’t say that having a small child doesn’t have its lows. Certainly, some days I am so low down I’m in the negatives. And it’s nothing you do, per se, just the fact that you are a baby. And unpredictable. And these are just the facts. But with each passing day, an aspect of you improves. You cry less but fuss more at being bored. You can feed yourself cheerios and that keeps you busy, while on the other hand, there are less seating options for you since crawling and standing are your number one goals at the moment. Soon, probably before your first birthday, you’ll be walking.

First birthday. Geez. It’s unbelievable that it’s a mere 4 weeks away. All the baby sites and magazines and, well, tradition, tells us that this is a big milestone. This is the age when “everything changes”. You become the T-word. The toddler. A little boy even. Sometimes when you’re playing on the floor and paying me no mind, the sun catches your face at just the right angle and I can see the little kid you are becoming. There’s something more mature about your face as it morphs into boyhood and out of babydom. And I am sure one day I will look at you and see the teenager and then the man. And each time it will crack my heart just a little more until it shatters and all the love I hold for you will no longer be contained. It’s just too rich and full to be held back. I love you with all my heart, little bear. Happy 11 months!

List of things I want

Typically, I don’t lust after items or other such frivilosities.  But somehow I have come across some stuff I really do want to get. Bear with my shallowness.

  • Canon EOS 40D or an equivalent. Holy crap this thing is awesome!
  • Laptop. No brand specifically but I want it to be fast as hell.
  • When I have kid #2 I want to get a tattoo on the bottom of each foot, one for each of their corresponding footprints.
  • Sushi! I have been craving it.
  • A Dremel. You know, for dremmelling purposes.
  • About 50 more picture frames so I can show of the Boy.
  • New Shoes. I don’t own any summer close-toed shoes.
  • A hamburger. A really big, juicy one smothered in cheese.
  • A Roomba. Despite what some people say about them breaking, now that I have to sweep EVERY DAY due to a certain small mobile child, I could use the help.
  • A new car seat for the boy. When he hits a yar, I’m going forward-facing, baby.

Days 101-104 – x365

Richard – recent masseuse

Oh the way you touched me, in just the right way. It’s amazing how massage therapy can be so sensual without being sexual. I’ll be back to see you.

Ryan – waiter at Dennys

Every Friday night you served us endless cups of coffee. Sometimes you’d sit to chat and join in on our adolescent angst and laughter. Sometimes I miss those days.

Mike Schweitzer – high school friend

Red headed and always wore black, we took photo I and II together. I spent a lot of time in the darkroom, threading film in pitch black with you.

Alan – CompUSA co-worker

The only one who got my Eddie Izzard references – it’s a maneuver. Owned a cute beagle and always stopped by the return desk to chat and keep me entertained.