Ok, maybe not a total bust. That hour I spent out on my deck last night, drinking a beer by the light of my citronella candle and talking to my mom on the phone? That was pretty nice. But otherwise, I was stressed out, annoyed, overwhelmed and completely moody the entire time. I went from being perfectly happy about everything to disgusted by the lack of care given by anyone else living in my household and totally frustrated with ALL the stuff involved in owning a house. Do you know that there’s a ton more to do besides mowing your lawn? I got so annoyed by this front planter area, which has become overgrown and ugly, that I just mowed right over the mondo grass that was giving it a border/shape. Fuck it. I was so sick of other grasses growing up in that stuff and it looked like total crap. So now it’s all gone but everything under what I pulled up is dead. So against the house I have this amoeba shaped yellow area containing 4 misshapen bushes and 2 Lily o’ the Nile’s, which somehow keep sprouting each year, even though I neglect them.
I didn’t fnish what I set out to do though because I need one of those Mantis tiller jobbies to really rip it up so I can put down anti-weed meshy stuff, then top soil. But really, I should just rip out the ugly bushes and plant something nicer. Now you’re talking back-breaking labor AND additional money, which I have no business spending right now.
We had some good moments though; Ash and I talked some things out last night and I feel pretty good. I kind of blame his parents for doing EVERYthing for him as a kid though. At least we’re aware that our children must be taught self-reliance and responsibility. You can really F up a kid by not teaching them to take care of themselves.
Elliot and I spent some time together where he was actually happy, not hiding behind the fog of teething that turns him from adorable baby to Satan spawn. I realize those tusks must hurt but damn, kid. Do you have to break into uncontrollable wailing each and every time you aren’t being held right up against a parent? For the love of Pete, you’re a ball of heat (whoa, the rhyming) and I cannot have you leaning on me all the time. He fell asleep on me last night around 7 while I was on my computer and he was so sweaty. But the sweat turned cold under the fan so it was just gross.
But there was a moment last night that was endearing. I fed him and did the routine: up on shoulder to burp, turn off ipod, turn on white noise, and sway back and forth for a minute. I got up next to the crib and he actually tried to leave my arms and get in there. I laid him down and gave him his giraffe blankie, which makes him smile right before he grabs it and holds it close to his face before putting his thumb in his mouth, turning to his side and falling asleep. It was just so nice to see him understanding this routine and wanting to go to bed like a big boy. I damn near cried.
Today is a new day with a new perspective, more patience and understanding. These are integral to relationships and certainly the beginning stages of parenthood; by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.