Day 16 – x365

Elliot, my son

I didn’t think it was possible to love something this much, to feel fearless in the face of the big scary world. My beautiful little boy, my Elly belly.


Elliot is 8 months old today! Yeah, I should write him a big long letter but I just don’t have it in me today. But I love that kid more every day!


Ok, so the title is a little joke-y but what I’m thinking about is no laughing matter. If you haven’t read about the girl in Austria who was kept in a cellar then you should, because – my god – who the hell does that? And to their own kid?? And that’s what I’m getting at.

Since becoming a parent, I can no longer read news articles like this without feeling like someone stuck a knife in my gut and twisted it around. I cannot wrap my brain around the idea of injuring, torturing, or abusing your own flesh and blood. Something happens between a parent and a child that bonds them for life and it creates an unspoken treaty of sorts, that says things like that won’t happen. In my opinion, it takes a mentally unstable and heartless, immoral sort of sub-human to commit an act such as that man.

And furthermore, when I became a parent, I experienced some other changes. For one, I used to be afraid of the dark. Ok, a lot of kids are. But I was 25 and could still freak myself out if I had to go into a dark room. I’d think that a hand might reach out and grab me right before I could get to the light switch. And also, if anyone were to break into my house, I’d surely crumble in a worthless heap and give them all my money and possessions. But I distinctly remember a moment, when Elliot was maybe 3 or 4 weeks and I was nursing him at 2 or 3 in the morning. I thought, I am sitting in a dark room, listening to all those noises that houses make that can sometimes make my brain imagine an intruder and I’m NOT afraid. Something happened, something made me be brave and fearless and willing to fight. And all because I had a new, higher purpose.

However, I am a lot more worried about certain other things. For instance, if I am in a traffic situation where a car swerves or I have a near miss in a potential fender bender, I get totally freaked out. What if something had happened to me? I can’t die, I have a kid! I’m also far more worried about things like rape and abduction now. Sure, all women probably worry a slight bit but now – and I’m not paranoid or anything – I keep it in mind more; I am more cautious and aware of my surroundings. Somehow it just seems more real now the true dangers in the world around me. And I have to stay strong and able for my family.

I guess being a parent – well, a parent in the majority, not someone like the Austrian psycho – makes you realize how much bad is out there in the world. But also, how much good can come from one small human, one little being that you created. It’s simply amazing.

It’sa me

When I got home from work yesterday, Ash decided that we needed to go out for Mexican, which was fine by me because I spent most of the ride home worrying about what on earth I was going to make for dinner. Well, that and the fact that my kid had a very stinky diaper. (I’m glad that for the most part, he does that at daycare and they get to deal with clean-up).

So yes, we went for Mexican and then decided to stop by Toys R Us, to look at possible new toys for the boy, ones he could bang on, since thats his new favorite activity. But we ended up buying the new Mario Kart for Wii instead. Definitely worth it because it’s awesome. The wheel it comes with is a big ol’ waste of time but if you use the controller and the nunchuck, it’s a lot easier. In fact, I did very well on the first couple levels. But then we had to break for a bit so Ash could work out and I needed to do some organizing. On our server, we have all of our pictures organized by year. We were looking through them the other night and, somehow, there wasn’t a 2004 file. Er, uh, yeah that’s my fault. When we moved from the Townhouse into our current house, I was the one who dumped all the pictures I had taken in 2004 into one big file. But I never managed to get them transferred over.

Once I got them up and filed and foldered Ash said, “Well, it’s nice to have that time in our lives back.” And he’s right; I hadn’t looked at that stuff in a while. Geez, 4 years ago! In that year we: moved out of Woodgate, I started teaching, we moved into the townhouse, bought Todd, bought a 2000 dollar washer/dryer, broke up, got back together, went to Ohio and saw snow, and got engaged. Pretty crazy. Years always seem so much bigger when you list the accomplishments, don’t they?

It’s like the year (2005) when I wrote my thesis and we moved into our house and I planned a wedding, all at once. It was sort of a whirlwind of craziness. So tell me, what year did you do the most in – so far – and does it seem really far away or just like yesterday?

Day 15 – x365

My mother’s sister, my Aunt Cindi:

A woman who defined FUN when I was little; NASCAR, Country, big parties, and crazy friends. Nearer and dearer to me now that I’ve matured, and she has too.

Why month 6 was much better than month 8


Here he is, so happy before they started coming in; I miss those times. Evenings between 5 and 8 are spent trying to console him. He has bouts of contentedness but in general, he’s pretty pissed off about those tuskies bursting forth. Can we have a teething reprieve, please???

On the edge of the storm

This morning, Ash was eating a bowl of cereal while I was putting breast pump related items into my bag and he said, “Want to see something interesting?” I went to the glass door and saw that it had rained a little, but we were right on the edge of it: exactly half of the deck was wet, along with half of our patio furniture. How cool is that? How often does something like that happen, you know?

Anyway, we watched Juno last night and I liked it. I didn’t think it was all-out fantastic but I was happy with the story. And despite what a lot of people said, I didn’t find the end to be all that sad. It worked out the best for everyone, I think.

Oh, and not to let anyone down, I will recount the two weird dreams I had Friday night. (I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that string cheese right before bed.)

First dream: We were poor or something – kind of like in Willy Wonka – and my grandparents were in the same bed as Ash and I. I was going to sleep and I kissed my grandmother good night. Ash went in to get the baby, who was crying. When he came around to my side of the bed with him, I thought something was wrong and looked at the video monitor, where the baby sat, still in his crib. We rushed into the nursery and put one baby next to the other, identical. Somehow my reasoning was that the other was the evil baby. And suddenly, his mouth became a gaping chomping monstrosity full of sharp teeth and he began violently biting at us. We had to keep the evil thing at bay and finally, ripped that evil baby in half, blood and flesh hanging torn from either side of its dead body. Needless to say, I woke up with a shout and immediately went into the baby’s room to check on him (and to make sure there was only one, good child in the crib.) ::Shudder::

Second dream: I lived in an apartment complex with one of my blog readers, one whose blog I read on a daily basis (no, I’m not telling you who, but it’s not someone I have ever met personally). Details are sketchy but there was something about a swimming pool and cheating on his wife with me and all kinds of other weird ideas that I can’t quite remember. But what I found odd was how that person got into my subconscious. Why not someone from one of the other 50+ blogs I read? The mind is a strange strange thing!

Anyway, time is going surprisingly quickly today and I have yet to accomplish a lot of things that need to be done, like book orders. But I did submit my grades, which is awesome. So, how was your weekend?

Day 14 – x365

My maternal grandmother – Helen

Never wanted to miss “your stories” (soap opera), cursed at baseball and the Dolphins, I remember your pot roast, concrete-like mashed potatoes, and your loving nature most of all.

Days 12 and 13 – x365

Chris (or Erik) – friend since sophomore year of college

Photographer, random knowledge generator, loyal, willing to do anything. I’m so happy for you, getting married and moving to D.C. Hope we’ll still see each other now and then.

Steve – brother of Chris and friend just as long

The kind of friend everyone wants, who’ll always be around to give advice, to fix your computer, to support your choices. Good luck with your wife in Great Britain!