Lately, I have been dealing with this… thing. It is intangible for the most part. It is an idea in my head, that floats around and bumps into thing and reminds me of its presence. It’s elusive most of the time but in those quiet moments when thoughts can be heard, it whispers itself to me and I feel strange. I don’t feel worried necessarily; it’s an idea like none other I have ever had: I will never be the same person I was before I got pregnant. My life has forever changed.
Sure, on the surface, that sounds so… cursory. It’s like when you go from high school to college and you think, “I’m going to be a different person now. I’m all collegiate now.” And for the most part, you are still a conglomeration of everything you have ever learned and every person you ever met who made some impact on you. But in this case, there’s this feeling that I am honestly, now, a different me. Once my body has expanded to full birthing capacity, it may never return to anything like what I once knew. Although I hope to lose a few pounds on top of the pregnancy weight, it will still be forever changed, modified by the baby human it housed.
Perhaps my inability to properly express this emotion comes from a lack of experience and fear of the unknown. I will always be “me” but now I am the mommy me, the wife AND mom me. I’m going to be that person that most girls imagine they’ll be, someday, way off in the future. Well the future is here, now, and I am facing it with all the strength I have but damn, if it’s not really scary, I don’t know what is.